Logic Will Break You

this phase of my life is over

2008-05-11T15:58:00.002+08:00

im closing this page.

it's been a great experience, to write and having people who actually care enough to read whatever it was that i wrote. so thank you. very much. i mean it.

but now this phase of this life is over.

i thought you said maple leaves

2008-05-04T16:31:00.003+08:00

i hate people here talking about summer time. i heard this song on the radio by a local artist and he was singing about summertime and all (i dont remember his name and the song title though). i mean, that's just stupid, you know. we dont even have summer here. one weather here, and just because it's hot (the temperature, i mean) here, doesn't mean it's summer. the hot summer there (wherever there is) and the hot everyday here is different. really. it is. i also hate those people who walk around in this ridiculously hot weather wearing layers and layers of clothing just to look hip-hop-ish and gansta. seriously, they just look stupid most the time. i mean it would have been at least okay in an air-conditioned room but they're not even in one of those. only under the burning sun. i have no idea how they do it.

in other news, i've started my internship a week ago. it's been okay. it's my first time (ever) working in an office so it's definitely a new experience for me. and i have to deal with real professionals. real engineers. so the first few days were definitely weird. hopefully it gets better. and hopefully they'll give me something better to go. the other day, my only job was to unzip some files and name them accordingly. not exactly what i was hoping for. hopefully when my supervisor comes back, i'll have some better assignments.

i've also started driving again. which is good, really. but it'll take some time because i can go on the road on my own. it wasnt nerve wrecking or anything the first time i was behind the steering wheel (since 2004), i was actually pretty calm. my heart was beating normally and i was breathing normally. my palms were drenched in sweat though. but that's normal. i naturally have sweaty palms. not that you need to know.

it was a strange time in my life

2008-04-05T01:05:00.003+08:00

many will tell me im foolish. some may say im being stupid. but ive decided to not take up offers from the more popular companies like this and this (which i miraculously manage to get. one was from the interview. i thought i sucked. i guess they thought different.) and have decided (finally) to go home for my internship, to some small company 15 minutes away from where i live. which was ironically also the first company that offered me an internship placement.

i sent out 9 letters to 9 different companies. only 4 said yes. which is pretty good considering the fact that most only received one reply. and i think it's amazing how one piece of paper can decide everything. the hardest part was, i guess, making the decision. maybe it would have been better if only one said yes because then i didnt have to make all those "which is the best choice?" conversations with all those different people. in the end though, i decided to go with what i want instead of listening to what people say is the correct choice. i mean, life is short. my days here have been really stressful lately. and i dont want some 10 more stressful weeks. im basically doing this to save myself. in a way, i am. but im sure they'll still say im wasting away one good opportunity.

but at least i know that im good enough to go there now. i just choose not to.

i'll be taking a break from this for a while. how long? i dont know. why? because i dont think i can do this anymore. but, i'll be around. just not here.

so, see you around.

13songs

2008-03-26T01:33:00.002+08:00

13 songs that i've been listening to most this past few weeks. Listen here.

[LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk Is Playing At My House]

-> found this on some blog and it's good. been listening to it a lot. i used to never want to listen to electronica type music because mostly most the time, they're just noise. not the good type, too. but i guess i've been making a few exceptions these days.

[Glen Hasgard and Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly]
->watched Once a few days ago and know what, i thought it was really, really good. and i love this song. i somehow imagine someone sitting down, head on knees, quietly in a corner of room, crying silently listening to this song. i dont know. but that image sort of pops up when i listen to this. it's heartbreakingly good.

[Nada Surf - I Like What You Say]
->from Nada Surf new album. i've been a fan of them for some time. the new album is good.

[Michael Cera and Ellen Page - Anyone Else But You]
->also only watched this very recently. and this.. well, it wasn't as good as i thought it would have been. in fact, i thought the character Juno got pretty annoying half way through the film. pretty disappointed though. with all the good things that i've heard people say about it. it just wasn't that good of a movie. but i love the ending where they sang this song. ooo.. i should have warned you about spoilers. my bad. oh well.

[Bella - No One Will Know]
->im not sure how i found this. but it's been on heavy rotation.

[Brooke White - Let It Be]
->yeah, i listen to american idol. and i think of all the songs i've heard thus far, this one is probably the best. i love this version by brooke white. goosebumps, i tell you. it's good.

[Jens Lekman - A Postcard To Nina]
->only recently got this. never listened to what he was saying though. but then yesterday, i was just sitting around listening to this and decided to listen to him, properly, because i haven't been doing so. and you know what, this song probably made history. it's the first song ever that made me literally laughed out loud without intending too. i wont tell you which line though. a very clever song. and it's a true story too (i did some research) which makes it a lot more interesting. sorry tina fey, but jens lekman is my new hero.

[Junior Boys - Teach Me How To Fight]
->this is one is on heavy rotation too. i dont know but "can you teach me how to fight?" just somehow gets to me.

[The Charlatans - Oh! Vanity]
->this one is just one of those feel good songs. i listen to so many depressing songs, i need a few feel good songs too, you know.

[Pinback - Versailles]
->i initially thought this was called verailles because that was how the file of this i had was spelled. then i spent a lot of time trying to catch him say verailles. he didnt. then i got that it was actually versailles. made me feel stupid for a while. but, at least now it's correct.

[Ramiele Malubay - In My Life]
->somehow, i think she sounds better in the studio recordings than live. i dont know. maybe it's just me. but this is one of the good ones for me.

[Sara Bareilles - Love Song]
->this song is catchy. you can say whatever you want but this song is catchy.

[Windmill - Tokyo Moon]
->i love his voice. and the chorus and the music. i just didn't like the ending, when that guy started laughing. the song would have be way better had they cut that part off.

ps, i dont know

2008-03-21T12:08:00.004+08:00

a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. im so, so glad it's over. the interview. which i practically killed. which is not a good thing. the interviewer probably left disappointed. because i know i did. and he was surprisingly young. somewhere around his late 20s or early 30s. i was sort of expecting an old dude with a head full of gray hair.

and i didnt expect it to be that huge of a company. i knew it was famous (among us engineers here, anyway), i just didnt expect it to be you know, that big. i guess i was sort of overwhelmed by it. and he asked so many questions to which most answers started/ended with a no or i guess or probably. man, i should have studied a little last night. i did not prepare anything for the interview. which was entirely my fault. so, oh well.

he also asked me what subjects i took/am taking. which was, of course, a question i knew the answer to but you know, somehow my brain refused to process the information and after a few long seconds, i told him, sorry, i dont remember. man. he must think im some air-head or something. the subjects, for fuck's sake, the subjects! how in hell could i not remember them?!

last night i slept at 1am watching a movie - PS, I Love You. i told myself im doing it because i need to take my mind off things, my way of getting away from reality. i read the book some time ago and thought it was a really, really good book. i was bawling inside when i was reading it. so, i sort of wanted to know what the movie would do to me. i knew what was going to happen, i knew the story line and was expecting not weeping or getting teary-eyed or anything like that. besides, my room mate and some friends were in the room. so, i had everything in me to try not to cry.

i failed. 15mins in, i got teary-eyed and just had to stop watching. so, i left the room and when to watch tv at a friend's room. hah. i resumed the movie when my room mate went to bed and it was a good movie. that's all im going to say.

maybe that wasn't a good idea because i woke up this morning with my eyes all puffed up. so i went to the interview with my puffy eyes, my work clothes and luckily a friend who was nice enough to accompany me.

it wasnt the best of interviews, i wasnt feeling the best at all but you know what, im just glad it's over. now, all i need to do is wait for his email for the verdict.

that and also continue this life of projects, reports and presentation slides.

whatever went away I’ll get it over now

2008-03-15T17:16:00.004+08:00

am sitting at a starbucks. it's raining pretty heavily outside. and im trying to use my mind control ability so that this dude sitting in (the table) front of me get up and leave so i can hog the plug instead. i have an hour before this laptop goes dead.

before today, i sort of despise those people who hang out at starbucks and you know, just hang out and surf the net and shit. i've always thought those people were pretentious. i mean, go online at home. some people want to sit and chat, you know.

unfortunately, today, i became one of them. yeah, im a hypocrite. but hey, i never said i hated hypocrites because i've always believed that everyone is one. instead, i hate people who write down "hypocrites" when asked what they don't like. c'mon, people who write that down are normally the biggest hypocrite of all.

i havent been able to go online much these days. the things that college have put me into... it's ridiculously too much. next week alone, i have about 6 things to scratch off in my to-do list. next week being a 4 day weekday, im pretty sure it'll be another long week. the few hours i have to myself, i normally spend lying on my bed staring at the ceiling, reading books that have nothing to do with maths and science and crying listening to really good songs. maybe not the crying part.

if i havent been visiting blogs, it's not that i dont like you anymore, i just dont have the time to anymore.

you make this hard on me

2008-03-10T01:49:00.002+08:00

last week was one busy week. it would have been okay if i was busy doing my own thing, you know. but i wasn't. instead, i was busy helping others finishing their projects. i actually enjoy helping other people. and im not trying to sound like im some kind kid or shit but you know, if you know something that they dont, then teach. that i learned from a friend back when i was 16, a good kid. but when "help" takes about 6 of the measly 24 hours i have, then it's just too much. i was so frustrated with them not wanting to listen properly that i almost punch them in the face and tell them to grow up and start using their goddamn brain. but of course, i didn't because that's just plain rude. instead, i took a couple of deep breaths, loud enough so that they could hear my frustration, and then continued with whatever it was that i was doing to help. im so glad the week's over.

i ended the week with a nasty cold and a lot of mucus stuck in my chest. i read somewhere that stress can cause that. im assuming it was the stress and not the mold i found growing in that one place i keep my spoon and fork which i use everyday. yeah, blame the stress. it's easier.

am still bummed out that Danny was eliminated. i basically watch american idol for him. so bummed out that i almost decided to not watch it this week. im pretty sure this and this had something to do with him being eliminated. i still think he's the best performer out of the whole lot though. im sure gonna miss watching him on tv.

election day last saturday. and like 90% of the people i know, i didnt go vote. the government definitely got a beating this time around. they went around telling the newspaper people that they were confident about it. i guess they dont know what happen to most cocky and confident people.

last time, they lost only one of the states. this time, they lost 5. and the one thing that i just dont understand is why the news on tv did not acknowledged that Selangor (probably the most developed state here) is no longer under the current government. last night, my sister and i waited till 3am just to know the results and they didnt even mention anything about it. they promised that the results would be out by 11pm. they lied. but then again, i guess that's pretty normal in politics.

the downfall i guess is definitely not expected. and i think it may have something to do with the new voters. the 80s babies. you see, these born in the 80s kids are rebel. the old people are the ones who wants peace. no riot and all. the new kids basically dont know what to think yet. i mean, to tell the truth, i probably vote some opposition party too had registered to vote. ask anyone born after 1980. im sure they'll say the same thing. it's the mentality. oh and the leadership probably had something to do with it too.

i dont normally talk about politics because it makes me feel old and so i guess i'll stop here.

hope this week i'll be less busy and less sick.

have a great week people.

a list because time hates me

2008-03-04T04:10:00.001+08:00

things i learned the last few days:

one of my friends may be bulimic. i dont know what to say to her.
dont watch serious movies with your friends. they will only make fun of you. i chose the movie. one slept half way through it. one said she doesnt understand american jokes. it wasn't a comedy and i probably will never say what movie it was. i personally thought the movie was pretty okay. except for the fact that most parts were cut off by the stupid censorship board so the running time was about 30 minutes shorter than the actual running time.
i need more friends with a job. or at least gets paid for being an intern. they are the good people, for all the wrong reasons.
php is one confusing scripting language.
i enjoy sleep. but have forgotten what it was like to not be sleep-deprived.
i need to learn how to prioritize. badly.

it's 4am right now. i can hear my room mate snoring. and im awake doing php.

don’t wanna see you floating upside down

2008-02-27T17:18:00.005+08:00

This week's been pretty good so far. Just in case you're wondering.

Had dinner at this pretty nice sushi place called sushigroove last Friday. I have to say, that place is pretty classy (compared to other sushi places I've been to, anyway). What I like most about it is the originality. Instead of saying out loud the normal Japanese restaurant welcome of "Arigato-gozaimasta!" (or however you spell it) in unison, they have one person say "Groovy!" and then a myriad of "Welcome!" follows. So, it's like "Groovy! Welcome.. Welcome.. Welcome.. Welcome..". Come to think of it, sort of like an a capella group because of the different tone of voices of the employees there.

Or maybe they haven't worked out on saying that in unison, yet. Who knows. All I know is that the place is pretty good.

Last week I was pretty fucked up, I guess. I was so mentally exhausted and all. When I chatted with a few friends about it, here are what some had to say: one friend told me she was depressed too then we continued to tell stories to out-depress each other. That was pretty fun. Another told me I was thinking way too much and then said she just doesn't get how a hard-disk could be destroyed beyond repair, telling me how she was always on hers (laptop) too and when she heard stories of faulty hard-disks she just never gets it. She continued on and on about that until I told her I didn't want to talk about that. Another friend laughed it out. And then went something like, "TALK TO ME! TALK TO ME!" when I started ignoring her for a few minutes. She seriously thought I was suicidal. I wasn't. I just had to restart my modem because the connection got slow.

Oh yes, I have the most understanding, considerate and helpful friends in the world.

In other news, today is my kid brother's 19th birthday. Happy Birthday Boy. I wanted to get you one of Jamie Oliver's cook book but someone said it wasn't worth it. But you probably won't ever read this so it's okay. At least you don't know what I almost gave you.

In other other news, Danny Noriega is my favorite contestant on this season's American Idol. Who cares if he's like the gayest of gays. He's got amazing talent and he's probably the most entertaining one out of the whole lot. Jason Castro is second simply because he's the epitome of cool.

My favorite song today is about a gold fish dying. Top points to the first person who guesses correctly.

2008-02-24T12:38:00.006+08:00

Last week was one of those really bad weeks that nothing seemed to have worked my way. It was a bad week. In fact, today didn't started out too well either.

I want to cry until my tears run out. I want to run away until I can't feel my legs moving. ~~I want to sleep and never wake up.~~ Oh wait. That's called dying, I don't want that. Scratch that. I want to scream until my lungs give in. I want to punch the wall until my hand starts bleeding so the only pain I could feel is physical.

But you know, since I'm sane enough to be thinking those stuff up, I decided to do the only sane thing to do. I sat down and thought about it, taking it all in and well, you know what, some people have it worse. They do. I had one bad week, some people don't even get to live another week. I believe that these things, all happen for a reason. Maybe even two.

I still have no idea what the reason(s) is/are, though.

To continue with the week's theme of losing, I decided to lose my long-ish hair. For all my life, people know me with short hair. And I have people asking me why I won't grow out my hair all the time. Well, Malaysia is a very warm country and I have a tendency to sweat, a lot. Then I got too lazy and busy to have it cut and it naturally grew long, -ish.

Those people who's been asking me why I won't grow my hair out then started commenting how my hair was (kinda) long now and when my next cut was going to be. First they tell me I should keep it, then they say I shouldn't. I really don't understand people. I really don't.

I had a fall out with my sister this morning. Things will probably never be the same again. Sometimes I hate being the younger sibling because you know what, no matter what you do, no matter what you try to make right, you're almost always never right. Even if you are. You're always on the wrong side of the argument. I admit that I was a pretty difficult kid growing up but you know, I've grown. I feel like I've grown. I know it. But when you're not given a chance, people won't ever get to see that.

That's why most criminals end up doing the same crime again and most drug addicts never recover. They were never given a chance to change. That's how I feel right now.

Ideas look so much better in my mind than it does in words. And for that reason, I'm going to stop here.

Hope this week will be good to me. And to you.

Have a great week people.

this post is brought to you by the letter "F"

2008-02-19T15:56:00.007+08:00

... and i think you know what it stands for.

Fuck...
Fuck...
Fuck...
Fuck...
Fuck...

received a call from the service centre this morning. i was still in bed, when i was woken up by a text from my dad asking me how my laptop was doing. i replied saying i don't know, they haven't called, yet. then, about 5 minutes later, my phone vibrated (because i hate the sound of a ringing phone) and some guy was on the line and he was from the centre.

basically what he said was that my hard disk was faulty and they couldn't retrive the data and that they had to change it and that the new disk size would be smaller because they didn't have a larger one in stock.

i asked, "so, where do you think i can get one with a larger capacity?" he replied, "er.. maybe in a store (a 1-second pause which felt insanely long)... that sell hard disks for notebooks?" oh right. i'm that stupid.

things i lost in the ~~fire~~ hard disk:

photos from 2005 to 2008
academic work from 2005 to 2008
an ongoing personal project i started late 2006 and kept no backup whatsoever
music files and videos
the 3 videos i made and was so damn proud of.
my diary (i thought i was being modern switching to writing using a computer software. i have now lost everything i wrote since 2005 and have since switched back to the old-fashioned method - writing it down on paper)

i guess this is what a breakup without closure feels like.

also, yesterday was the start of the handball tournament. we were up against the team which my college beat during the softball game just a week ago. they basically played with the same players and they were playing with a vengence. last year, we lost to the same team 1-8.

yesterday, we lost 1-14.

yeah, i know. ouch.

another game today (against some other team. we have no idea if they're any good or not). if we lose this game, i swear, today is going to turn out to be one of the worst days of my life.

Edit: we lost the freakin match. it was so fucken close, we should have won! i guess the team really fucken underestimated today's opponent. i think i've reached a new level of frustration. you have no idea how badly i wanted to win. this is so fucken upsetting! i think i should stop now just to stop swearing. sorry.

pc problems

2008-02-17T13:46:00.005+08:00

My laptop crashed last Friday. And no, it wasn't the usual "blue screen" thing that I could have fixed with some recovery discs. It was something worse. I was reading the the news online (yes, I do this sometimes) and then just "Poof!", my laptop was dead. I tried to turn it on, then the blue screen came up so I thought it was okay but then weird noises started coming out of it. I immediately switched it off again, I was afraid it was going to explode. Then, I tried again to be a hero again and the stupid thing won't even load into Windows.

So, after having decided to not act like I know what was wrong, I sent it to a service centre where hopefully the people know what they're doing. The only shitty thing about it is... I did not backup my data. Being a third year student who's academic life revolves 50% around computers, I almost smack my head to the wall thinking about my stupidity. But of course, I didn't because somehow, I wasn't too bummed about it.

I was somehow quite calm about it. Weird. The only thing I thought most of was what (new) laptop I was going to get me if that one is just beyond repair. In fact, I already know what I'm going to get. But, you and I both know that it's not going to happen.

So, until I get a call from the place I sent it in, I'll be using my sister's ancient laptop which I promise I will take good care of. Honest.

Because typing is too much work: A Photolog

2008-02-15T01:26:00.000+08:00

This is the main reason why I like the Chinese New Year. It's my source of income.

Probably one of the more unusual packet I received. I don't believe in the lottery, but if you do, you can try my lucky number.

For a few days in January, I lost use of my right hand. I now have a new found respect for one-handed people because now I know, it definitely is not easy. I sort of injured it during one of my many handball practice games. Last Tuesday, another team mate sprained her ankle. I guess playing sports does lead to injuries, even for non-professional players.

I had to retire my own-made pencil case because it got too worn out. I'm using a paper envelope now because I'm oh-so-creative.

Probably the scariest doll I've ever seen. I have no idea why my sister bought this for my kid cousin. I'm not a big fan of dolls.

I'm embarrass to be in this room sometimes.

Suddenly, I felt like writing.

Things are just going on and on in my head. But I have no words to express any of them. I'm feeling restless. I feel like I need to be doing something. But I don't know what it is, just yet. I feel like I need to talk to someone. But when someone starts talking, all I want is for the conversation to stop. I want to get out from here. But I have no where good to go. I'm confused.

I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the second time this week today. But it made me too sad, I had to stop. I also spent most of the week listening to a set of depressing songs. I sometimes listen to them and feel like crying which is kind of stupid, really.

Man, I really need to find something funny to read or something.

2008-02-14T22:40:00.003+08:00

She said love is watching someone die. He said love is all you need to fix what's broken.

I say... I don't even know what to say. I don't understand that kind of love.

the beginning after the end

2008-02-10T22:16:00.000+08:00

3 things I'm going to miss

The Amazing Race Asia 2: Finale. I want to watch it so bad but I know I can't. I guess, reading the episode off the internet will do. Oh well. I think this season of TARA is so much better than the first one. Last time, the Amazing Racers gave Asia a really bad name by quitting challenges and being boring. This year, the contestants are so much more interesting and much more competitive. I especially adore the Malaysian girls (maybe I'm biased, but who cares) because they're probably the most competitive team of the whole lot. And so focused at the task at hand. They ate Balut like it was any other snack and even scooped elephant dung like they do it everyday. It was amazing how determined they are. Hope they win. But really, I don't really care who wins, the top 3 team definitely deserves it. All 3 of them.

My kid cousin. Even if she asks way too many questions, screams way too much and too loudly and climbs on you for no particular reason, I definitely am going to miss her. I like kids. They remind me of how easy life used to be.

Having my family around, even if we don't talk and just sit down and watch TV or do nothing. I don't care. I just like having them around. I don't even have to explain.

3 things I wished I had said out loud

"Dude, do you get fucken paid for standing around?!" to those people working at a certain Donut store near where I stay which will remain unnamed because I'm being nice today.

"I didn't get what you said, stupid!" to the taxi driver because he said something inaudible and I had him repeat it to me twice and I still didn't get it. He was talking with a weird accent. Just Malay (maybe bad English, I'm not sure), but you know, I'm not from around here so I had no idea what he said (excuses, I know but it's true!). He then just stopped trying and ignored me completely even when I told him I didn't get what he was saying. I had the decency to unplug my earphones and listen to him, and then just got ignored. Moron.

"You think you own this thing?" to the two girls who were walking real slowly and then started blocking my way on the escalator. And they just had to stand side-by-side. Why? I'm assuming because they're stupid. I can't think of any other explanation.

3 things I'm glad I did not say out loud

"Who are you trying to kid, liars." to the Burger King people at the airport because there was a ad and at the bottom it said "Applicable to ALL BK outlets in KLIA." I thought there was only one outlet there. Then on the way back to college, I remembered that there was another one in the departure hall. I would have ended up being a fool trying to be smart.

"Let's do a soppy love song!" to my friends when we were doing Karaoke yesterday. That combined with the fact that I don't sing and am sort of a cool person (not popular cool but more quiet cool, or so I would like to believe), probably won't go down too well. They'll probably ridicule me for life, like they have with some other things I did in the past. But we did do one soppy love song. Which I did not choose, so it was okay.

"What the fuck is your problem" to my sister when she started yelling at me one morning. I only got up and we were planning to go out for breakfast and she started yelling like sisters do and I still had sleep written all over my face. I get grumpy when I wake up too early.

Oh wait. Might as well scratch the last one. I think I did say that to her. Minus the swear because I'm more polite in person.

Have a great week people.

im just no good at giving relief

2008-02-07T16:37:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year people. Though probably most of you don't even celebrate it. And most people probably think that I don't too. But I do. Every year, since I could remember. And probably before that.

I like the fact that some people actually text/message me just to wish those few simple words. Because most people associate me only with all those Malay occasions just because I'm Muslim. So to have people remember that I'm actually part Chinese, I think that's pretty nice. I like that.

My mom's side of the family is kind of small. We have my grandparents, 2 uncles and well, that's about it. Another two aunts in England and Singapore so they don't count. Normally when my dad's side of the family gather we'll need like a dozen 10-person tables, without even guaranteeing that everyone get a seat. But mom's side, I could probably fit them all in my dorm room, which is really small, and still have space to walk around on. That for me is the most visible difference between Eid and Chinese New Year.

So, went around a few open houses because it's the right thing to do. Basically what I did was just sitting down, listening to old people talk and eat. And I think I saw some kid I know from elementary school in one of those houses but we were leaving when she came in. I don't think she saw me, but if she did, she just ignored me. I guess she's like one of those type of people who'll say that they'll miss you at the end of the school year but forgets your name one month later. I try not to be one of them. That's why I almost never say that I'll miss anyone because most the time, I know I won't.

Well, hope this year will be a prosperous one for all of us. I'm using prosperous because that's probably the most famous word associated with the Chinese New Year.

better?

2008-02-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

A new day and a brand new week (in about 15 minutes anyway). A new design and an (empty) entry. No, this is not an attempt to write a poem. I'm just introducing my new design (or whatever you call these things these days). I worked on it for about 4 hours. And I guess, this is the least I could do. A proper introduction. I think it looks better than the last one. Sort of.

And again, I swear it looks so much better on Firefox.

bad habits die hard

2008-02-03T19:55:00.000+08:00

I think I have a problem. What started as a thing I only do when I get nervous or scared have become something that I do almost constantly. So much, it's ridiculous. Now it's become a full-fledged habit. A bad one, at that. No, I don't smoke. I pull out my hair.

And I think it's beginning to show, if you know what I mean. This is really unhealthy and I don't know how to stop. I'd be watching TV and 5 minutes in, my hand would be up my head. I'd be doing homework and minutes later, they'd be a scary amount of hair on the floor. I could give out hundreds of other examples but I don't think that it's necessary.

One time, I even considered shaving my head so I could stop it. Though that idea probably won't go down too well with the people around me. So, I thought maybe I'd do it after I graduate and live like Quasimodo until it grows back out. But that was around the time when Britney shaved her head. Now I think it's a stupid idea.

If anyone out there know what I can do to stop this, please, do tell me. Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm doing it and that is scary.

I also used to crack my knuckles obsessively, which probably annoyed a lot of people. But that's the thing about these habits. You don't know you're doing them. I sort of don't do it very much anymore though. Crack my knuckles. Because well, I realized one day that my fingers were suddenly crooked. Like weird-looking crooked. Scared the shit out of me. Now, they're less crooked than they were a couple of years ago.

This current habit, I haven't done much to stop it but well, I'm trying to. Really. It's just hard.

life is not a thriller

2008-01-28T00:27:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling empty and so i am writing.

the light switch in my room exploded last night. and smoke was seen coming out of the lights. but, i didnt get to see any of it. when i got to my room at about 1am, my room mate was gone (she dragged her mattress (wtf?!) along with her. no kidding), the lights were dead, no electricity and there was this weird smell (of something burning). no way was i sleeping in a room like that. so i took my pillow and blanket and went to spend the night in a friend's room. which i very rarely do because i prefer sleeping on my own bed.

today, the guy who takes care of electrical (and other) problems in the dorms came and fixed the problem. i'm not sure what he did exactly but he said after about 15mins of ladder-standing that it was okay. so he left. and we went in. then, there was this weird smell again in the room. which we later figured out was from the ceiling fan. the same plastic burning smell. called that guy again and asked him if it was dangerous or anything. he said it should be okay. then he said to call him only if the switch trips or something more serious happens. i guess it was code for "dont bother me on my day off".

my room mate then had to leave for a test and i was left all alone in a weird smelling room. i could have gone someplace else but decided that i wanted to be alone. so i stayed in my room.

i then spent the whole afternoon thinking how people would react if they found me dead, crushed by a ceiling fan. how many people would have thought it was funny and how many would actually sympathize. i continued to write my imaginary will in my head. im giving my mp3 player to my sister because she needs to update her current music player (which is actually my old cd player. she get hand-me-downs, i get new ones).

now about 12 hours later, im still okay. and the room is doing just as fine. thank you electricity guy.

in about 6 hours i need to be up again and go through another day of class.

i guess this is the part where i say good night.

good night.

truth hurts. deal with it.

2008-01-27T22:54:00.000+08:00

It's going to be another busy academic week. Luckily I have next week to look forward to. Another week long holiday - mid term break.

3 things about class.

First, how do you trust a lecturer who keeps saying that P2P is Point-to-Point? Even more so, a computer networking lecturer with a PhD. I thought I heard him wrong the first time but he kept repeating it throughout the whole hour. During the previous (computer networking) class, a friend of mine was sort of making jokes about how easy it was to become a lecturer. How you don't fucken need to know anything, you just need to act like you do. Then, he continued to point out small mistakes that the (said) lecturer made. I didn't agree with him that day. But you know, I think I'm beginning to see what he saw. Maybe he was right after all. (Does not apply to all lecturers. And by the way, Point-to-Point is abbreviated PPP)

Second, how could not feel uncomfortable when that prick of a lab instructor keeps making sexual references to computer-related objects? This week, we were introduced to two specific type of cables, one of which was dubbed female and the other male. Then he asks us, "You don't believe me? (that one if female and the other male) Have a look. Is this a hole or a stick? (He lifts the female cable up) You see the hole? Surely this is female!" Some of the boys in class laughed. I think he's an ass.

Third, sometimes I feel like punching those bastards in class. They take up the last few rows in the lecture hall, they make loud noises when the lecturer is teaching, and they sometimes make fun of the lecturer's accent. Especially our DSP (Digital Signal Processing) lecturer because she's from Bangladesh and has this distinct accent. They make fun of her without realizing that when they (some of them anyways) speak English they actually sound worse. What they did actually reminded me of a lecturer from my matriculation college year. He was reading off a slide and then the word "farther" came up. He then proudly told us that the word does not exist and striked it out, replacing it with "further", laughing at the slides provider like he had just revealed the biggest mistake that anyone could ever make. I was very embarassed for him that day.

And those kids in class... they really need to understand that this isn't high school anymore. It would have been okay if they were funny but they're not. They're just loud and annoying. There's also this other bastard who likes to shout out (wrong) answers in class and likes to be noticed by doing some other irrelevant and stupid actions. I'd like to punch his whiny face too.

Classes can be really stressful sometimes. I'm blaming stress for sounding this angry.

R.I.P

2008-01-23T12:39:00.001+08:00

I cannot believe Heath Ledger is gone. I don't even know what to say.

R.I.P Heath Ledger.

no one would believe me

2008-01-22T16:41:00.000+08:00

I was introduced to the band Pinback pretty recently by my good friend, the internet. And one of their older songs, Tripoli has been on my play list since then. Before I knew what Tripoli was, when I thought it was just some small city in France (which it's not, by the way), the song was just one of those sweet, sweet song that gets you, good.

But the curious kid inside of me wanted to know more, and so I went on a 1-minute quest, and found this. Now, it became a sweet, sweet depressing song. I still like it very much though.

And about my hand. Well, the next morning after my previous post, I woke feeling a little weird. I tried standing up but felt like passing out. So, I texted a friend who drives and asked her if she could send me to the PK (that's what we call our little University hospital), and lucky of me, she said yes. Got there, waited, got called in, x-rayed my hand, when back to the doctor, he said nothing was broken, only the muscle something something, went to get my hand bandaged and was introduced to the wonders of modern of medicine.

The swelling pretty much subsided after the first two days thanks to the little pills the doc gave me. But my right hand was pretty useless most the time then since it was bandaged and I can't really move my thumb a lot (in fact, I still can't. It's getting better though. At least now I can write, though rather unnaturally) and now I'm on my way to recovery. I'm not really sure what I should call it.

But you know, having to wear a bandage was sort of you know, cool in a way. Hah. I don't even know why. I sort of felt like some boxing champ or something. In a good way. But then people start staring at it and then it gets uncomfortable.

I never thought sports could lead to injuries like this. I know it happens, but never thought it would happen to me. It's just weird. Because when friends sprained their ankles, torn their ligaments, almost all the time, I'd say lucky you didn't injure you right hand and now... I sort of became the first person among my circle of friends here to have had that happen to me.

Life. You'll just never know what's going to happen.

dont become the thing you hated

2008-01-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

This week has been one very hectic week. I'm glad it's almost over but come Monday, the cycle is going to start all over again. I was going to write about how pissed I was at certain people the whole week but now, I don't think I will.

You see, I injured my right hand during handball practice. In fact, I'm typing real slow and funny now. Basically what happened was I tried to stop a ball when I was not ready (somehow I just had to) and the impact was just too much and now half my right palm is dead (this only happens to stupidly stubborn people. I've learnt my lesson. I won't be doing that again). It's swollen and purplish and it hurts. And I can't even fucking write properly now. Which sucks big time because next week is going to be one of those week-long test week.

So, in about 4 days time, I can either pray real hard that it'll heal itself or start practicing writing with my left hand.

Hmm... Tough choice.

you break my heart each time you

2008-01-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

I went home expecting a little peace and quiet and a lot of TV time. That didn't actually worked out.

I went home late Wednesday to find my eldest sister and Amin still at home. Not only that, I also found out something about them that I don't think I should mention here. Maybe later when it's time. I honestly thought they went back to England already. Later, I also found out that we were going to host a little family gathering on Thursday. That was probably the last thing I wanted that time.

So, when my cousins and aunts and uncles came, I was sitting in front of the TV upstairs. Going down only for food then stayed maybe about 20 minutes to chat with my cousins, browse through old photo albums (who would have thought that I used to be a scrawny little kid?) and took a few photos with them. I guess that's the in thing now, whenever we meet up or anything, they'll bound to take a few photographs. But, they'll make fun of people who act-all-cute-and-then-take-their-own-photos-and-put-them-up-on-any-of-those-social-sites like crazy. And that is why, you won't ever catch me posing on one of those. After that, I continued my TV-watching.

Apart from that, home was good. I actually went home feeling a little pissed from something that happened earlier in class but that anger just sort of evaporated once I got home. And even though someone at home called me fat, ugly and said that I looked like a bird, I sort of didn't mind. I mean, that coming from a 4-year-old who says her dad is a chicken (according to my sister, she even drew little wings when she drew a portrait of her dad), my grandad a kangaroo and Amin a fly (her words: "Macam... Lalat!"), how could you be angry? She started kindergarten earlier this year and I'm guessing she's currently expanding her vocabulary.

But when my sister asked her what she was (her eyes piercing through my little cousin), the 4-year-old said, "Princess".

What a suck-up.

i just want to

2008-01-07T19:40:00.000+08:00

My room mate just started a printing service business about a week ago. The main office being, my our room. So, the past couple of days, a lot of people have been coming in asking for it. Most the time, I'm okay with it but sometimes, I'm not. Here's the problem, most the time, she's not in the room. She's out to wherever it is that she's at. Then, I have to explain to all those people that she's not in and all that shit that comes with it. I'm very tempted to stick this on the door, "the chinese looking kid inside does NOT run the printing thing. don't ask her anything" but that might not go down so well with my room mate.

I hate verbal communication with strangers. So I don't really like having to do that. Sometimes, she's nice enough to put up a memo saying she'll be out for the day but still some idiot who most likely can't read (what they're doing in a college dorm is still a mystery to me) would still knock on the damn door asking if printing is available.

But you know, it's fact that college kids are really poor people. So, I can't really blame her for trying to make some money. It's only normal. I'm broke most the time but am too lazy/busy to do anything else. I just hope she'll be in the room when those people come. Unless of course if those people happen to be my friends. That way, it's okay.

Which brings me to the next subject. I'm going home this week (don't ask me how these two different topics are related. I thought they were but then found out they weren't. I'm as surprised as you are). It'll be one of those long weekends, a 4-day weekend, and (almost) everyone's going back home and I decided to go home as well. The official reason is so that I can get my internship applications done. The unofficial reasons are because I want to, because I can, because I want to watch TV, because I thought I wanted to get a haircut (but have since changed my mind after I got the plane tickets) and because I think I really need to get my glasses done (I just learned last month that I don't have 20/20 vision like I had believed all my life. That there is a world, literally speaking, much clearer than the world I am seeing now. This new found discovery prompted me to change the header of this blog to the lyrics of a certain Wombat song. I had that song on repeat for a few days after I find out about me).

I definitely will be getting a lot of crap just for going home for the weekend because there's this rule, I guess, an unspoken rule, that says kids from my part of the country just don't go home for the weekends. Which I think is bullshit. I can go home whenever I want to (and er.. only if my mom says it's okay. She's paying for my tickets after all). They'll probably accuse me for being a spoilt, rich bastard who's life is easy. Which is true. Except for the spoilt, rich and bastard part.

The only thing I'm looking forward for this week is the weekend. Which for me, will start on Thursday. Life can be pretty good sometimes.

all the way down

2008-01-05T11:12:00.001+08:00

The fire alarm went off and two fire trucks came by to my college early last night. It was about 6pm, and was raining with lightning and thunder and all that. I was on my laptop when the the lights went dead. Black out. Not much later, the electricity came back on and the fire alarm rang. In a building full of skeptics, heads just came peeking out of rooms and everyone just started staring at one another thinking "Is this real or is this a joke?" and nobody did anything. That lasted a couple of minutes until someone shouted that we should be getting down. Then, everyone just started moving. No one was running though. Most still thought it was a joke or something.

I only came back (from a trip to the city, had to do something) about an hour prior to that fire alarm ringing and I was exhausted and tired and was actually looking forward to relaxing a bit and all. Luckily, we came back before it started raining, if not we would have ended up wet while at it too. But it was kind of amusing to see the faces of the people who just came back from shopping or whatever it was that they were doing with paper and plastic bags tight around their hands realizing that they couldn't go to their rooms, yet.

Turned out, something exploded at the top of the building and smoke started coming out from whatever it was that exploded (they didn't actually explained it to us. they made us wait and didn't bother telling us what for).

At about 8pm, we were told that it's safe to go back upstairs. But the elevator wasn't functioning and everyone had to use the stairs. I used to not really like staying on the second floor because the view wasn't as nice as upper floors, but last night I was definitely grateful.

By 9 that same night, everyone had forgotten everything about it.

1.1.2008

2008-01-01T21:31:00.000+08:00

First post of the year. I didn't go through all that countdown thing or get drunk and wasted though. I'm a very boring person. When the clock struck 12 last night, I was sitting at this very desk replying some emails while listening to the fireworks cracking in the background. My room mate was asleep.

nah.. this wasn't taken last night. I only put it up for effects...

Surprisingly enough, I actually felt good today. Even if I was only in my own company. I could have gone some place and do something, but I felt like being alone so I did. After all, after today, I'll probably be really busy. So, I'm trying to relax and enjoy it as it goes. So far, it's been working pretty well.

And I'll have to start working on my resume and application letters soon. Actually I should have already started. But I'm putting it off until tomorrow. I'm trying to enjoy this one day I have. It's for my internship. A 10-week thing that we must do after this semester is over. I'm actually kinda scared. In a couple of months time, I'll be out there working in an office or something, finally putting what I've learned the past 3 years into good use. I'm scared that I won't be able to do that.

The other thing on my mind is, the holidays, the long one, which starts late April. With my internship coming, I won't be having my usual after-semester break, which sucks. Especially since this is the one year my mom finally agreed to take my brother to go to Japan for the holidays. I have always wanted to go to Japan. Though not as badly as my brother but still, I would love to go there given the chance. Unfortunately, my internship program clashes with their holiday plans, so I probably won't be going with them. Which you know, sucks. Because I want to go. My brother would probably be very happy to hear that I'm not joining him. He gets to say that he's been to Japan and I haven't.

But, this is not over yet. Hopefully I can think something up before it's too late.

change

2007-12-31T13:37:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of 2007. Tomorrow will be whole different year. A few "I'll do it next year" jokes were heard. That joke is so lame. Tomorrow, I'll have to start writing '08 instead of '07 in my notes and all. It will take a few weeks to get use to that. I remember when 2004 ended, I continued to write '04 on the dates up till maybe July. Change needs some getting used to.

When I was a kid, one year felt like a very, very long time. A lot can be done in year. Then, as I grew older, one year felt somewhat shorter, and shorter. Time was moving fast because I guess because of the things that I was doing. Priorities changed. The things I did changed. I wouldn't like to admit it but I guess it was called growing up.

And then this year happened.

Somehow, this year was different. This year somehow felt long. Things I did in April or in June felt like a life-time ago. Why? You tell me. I don't know why.

If this year has taught me anything, it would probably be about life, and death. You could never take life for granted. Everything you have, everything you own, this good life, you could lose it all in a blink of an eye. I know, I know, you probably heard that many times from wherever but this year, I found out that it's real. That sad stories don't just happen on TV. It happens here in the real world too. In my 21 years of living, this one year, the year I turned 21, is the year that I experienced so many deaths happening around me. People I know. People I won't ever get to see again. Whether you want it to or not, it will change you. It's not a choice. It's something you deal with.

I think about life a lot more now. And about the what-ifs. And I'm trying to be nicer to the people around me (especially my family because they're the most important people in my life right now. less yelling/whining and more helping around, that's what I should do) because you don't want them to remember you as an ass or something when this life is over.

This will be the last post for this year. Yeah, I'm stating the obvious again but I always wanted to write that down. I initially wanted to write this post a few days ago but never got around writing then.

My new year's resolution is a secret. What's yours?

Happy New Year everyone. Have a great one.

End of Year Mix

2007-12-28T17:45:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I made one, so I guess it's time for a new one. I'm calling this the End of Year mix because I'm very original. To listen to it, click here.

10 songs. Not all were released in 2007 though. But those that weren't, I only found out about them this year anyway, so that'll do. I wasn't so much into music until about 2 years ago, you see.

Discovering old music that sounds good to me is something that I enjoy. So hopefully, you'll enjoy this too.

The songs:

Tegan and Sara's Back in Your Head R.A.C's remix - I only found out about this a couple of days ago. I'm not really into remixes but this one is definitely good. The only reason I downloaded it in the first place is because someone said it sounded a little like The Postal Service. A Postal Service-ish Tegan and Sara remix? How could you say no to that? I know I couldn't.

Mumm-Ra's Out of the Question - I found this band sometime in April/May. A month later, I went out and bought the CD. One of the best albums of the year. For me, at least.

Illinois's Alone Again (Live) - I don't remember when exactly I found this song but it's been in my play list for so long. My sister who hates my music taste seem to really like this song. If she's listening to my mp3 player, she's probably listening to this song.

The Freelance Hellraiser's Want You to Know - I actually heard this from one of those Sony commercial and thought it was a really sweet song. I searched for it, found it and it's been on my play list ever since.

The Cribs' Men's Needs - So yeah, the video to this song is pretty controversial but you know, the song is really catchy!

Scott Simons' cover of Umbrella - One time in November, I started listening to all the Umbrella covers out there. Why? I don't really know. Mostly it started after I listened to the Tegan and Sara version and then I found out that there were more. I have about 5 - 10 covers of this song on my PC. This is one of the better ones. Weirdly enough, I cannot stand the original Rihanna version.

Editors' Smokers Outside the Hospital Door - Probably one of the saddest song ever. I love it. I don't even have words to describe it. I just love this song. Unfortunately, I only realized that the quality of the song on this mix is really bad. Not sure what went wrong but too late to fix it. Oh well.

Death Cab For Cutie's Marching Bands of Manhattan - This song is last semester's theme, definitely. I listened to it before I went to bed, I listened to it first thing when I awoke, I listened to it when I ate, I listened to it when I was walking to wherever, I even listen to it when I was staring out the window watching people. I think for about a week or so that time, the only music that I listened to was by Death Cab for Cutie, this being the most played song.

The Format's On Your Porch - I was listening to The Format when I heard the news that the father of someone I know passed away. This song was playing. The song, the lyrics, the news, I thought it was a freaky coincidence. This song reminds me of that. I like this sad song. Not to remember the event but because of the words that are sung.

Tegan and Sara's I'll Take the Blame - I just had to use this song to end the mix. I'm not even going to explain.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T16:36:00.000+08:00

Several things happened the past few days. Family gatherings, catching up with old friends (I was surprised how much she has change), you have to be there to know what I mean. This time tomorrow, I'll be sitting in my room in college. Back to reality. Don't know about you but I think this no holiday for Christmas bullshit is very racist. Come Eid or Chinese New Year, almost all the universities will have like a week of holiday. But for Christmas, we get nothing. They should have at least given a couple of days. Then, they say we're multicultural. Once I'm done packing, I'll have a couple of hours left to enjoy the last few bits of this being at home. Some people can't wait to get back to college, I prefer to stay at home and laze around all day. But that's just me. It'll be okay as usual, I know, but I definitely will miss a lot of the things here.

I'll definitely miss saying "bagi se kit-chai ping satu".

Merry Christmas everyone.

the last time

2007-12-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

I knew it will be out some time soon, though I had no idea when. As a matter of fact, I sort of didn't want to know. But just then, I finally got up and checked. Turned out the results are out. Since when? I have no idea. No one told me.

And as expected, I didn't do that good at all for my Mandarin paper. What a waste. I took up that paper convinced that I was good at it (hoho.. you had no idea how wrong I was!) and that it would have been an easy A (ask every other senior, they would have told you that it'd make an easy A! Unfortunately for us, they conveniently decided to change the exam format this year because a ridiculous number of people have been getting easy As for it). My GPA would have been about 0.10 (Yeah, doesn't seem much, I know, but when you're that close to getting into the dean's list, it is. Very much so indeed) higher if I hadn't took up Mandarin! But did I regret it? Surprisingly, not at all. I made some pretty good friends in that class and I have to say, somehow that was probably the best class from last semester! It was definitely the funniest.

So, yeah, results matter but I think experience is more important. Because when you're out of this academic life, that's what you'll remember most. The experiences, not the studying bit.

But if you ask me if I'm interested in taking Mandarin II, I will have to pass. Good times, sure, but once is definitely enough for me.

what i need to do

2007-12-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

The last time I went was probably 3 years ago. That wasn't too long ago but I seriously don't remember anything from that visit. The problem is, I'm supposed to go there at least once a year.

2 semesters ago, during my very last IT class, my tutor started talking about it. How, if you don't check up at least once a year, you'll probably end up having no teeth by the time you're 50. She was making a pretty big deal out of it. That got me a little scared.

About 6 months after that class, I finally went. My first dentist visit since 3 years ago.

I don't really like the dentist. I'm not afraid or anything, I just don't like them. And no, I'm not in denial.

Got there, waited a couple of minutes, got in and he started cleaning my teeth and asking questions and then about 5 minutes in, "Poof!" The lights went dead. The machineries and all stopped. Stupid black out.

So, there I was, that thing that goes "Bzzz.. Bzzz.." still in my mouth, lights all out when the dentist got up (of course then taking that thing off my mouth) and told the interns to switch on the generator for power. I spent another 5 minutes alone in that room while the dentist and his interns were running around trying to get the generator to start. It wasn't the best experience.

The lights went on again, the dentist came back, his interns came back and they started working on my teeth again.

Having those interns there was kinda weird. I'm sure they are about the same age as me and having them look at this whole in my mouth like some sort of experiment felt just weird. One even jabbed the upper part of my mouth once. It was an accident.

Minutes passed and it was over. Then I went home. My next visit would probably be sometime next year.

Oh and he told me to floss.

learning to cook

2007-12-18T13:15:00.000+08:00

My brother made this, from scratch, this morning:

If you don't know what it is, cream puffs. I must say, I'm quite impressed. He even made the cream himself. My mom and sister wasn't really supporting him, telling he won't be able to pull it off. Then he went all philosophical commenting about the mentality of the people here at home. The quiting before even trying thing. I think he's been watching too much TV and reading too many management books.

We've been spending a lot (no kidding) of time watching the Asian Food Channel and Discovery Travel and Living, you see. Suddenly, we want to cook. Like good food. Something we never made, like something off TV. Last night I made a pretty decent tomato-based chicken dish. Tonight, I might try something else. There's actually some good out of being a TV addict. Two hours a day and you're on your way to be a chef.

Quite ironically, my sister's been in bed since morning complaining of a stomach ache. She even vomited. It must have been pretty bad. Being siblings, we did what most siblings do. We mostly yelled at her because being well, sick, she couldn't yell back. Apparently she expects us to give her a 5-star treatment just because she's sick. You'll get me if you have brothers and sisters.

Today is also my kid cousin's 4th birthday. She'll say "Burst-Day". All she knows is that she'll be getting presents and stuff today. She apparently really like cards. Birthday cards. She's really interested in reading. Though she can't, yet. So last night, I took out an old empty Hari Raya card and wrote Happy Birthday and gave it to her. She can't read, so I'm not bothered. She's happy with it apparently. Oblivious that it's a card for a different occasion.

i make mistakes but nobody's perfect

2007-12-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to read Love in the Time of Cholera for a few weeks now. And somehow, every time I start to, I'll fall asleep after a couple of pages. I've had a couple of afternoon naps recently. All of which happened about 10 minutes into that book. I guess I'm putting that book in the same pile as Sophie's World and Lord of the Flies. Books I just can't seem to finish.

I don't know. Maybe it's the tiny font. Maybe because it doesn't have chapters. I don't know. But the book is really good in making me sleepy. So, I'm putting it away and am reading Darren Shan instead.

Sent out some Christmas cards yesterday. I opted for the cheapest option so.. I don't even know if they'll get it in time for Christmas. I bought 4 cards. Then I had about 15 minutes to fill them in with personalize messages and such (because my sister was going to post them and she was leaving and unfortunately, I procrastinate). Then I had to find the addresses which I conveniently kept in 3 separate places. In the end I sent out only 3 of the cards. I lost the 4th address. I searched for about 5 minutes before giving up because then Michelle ran upstairs just to tell me they (my sister to the post office) were leaving.

Maybe you'll get one next year. Or maybe not.

I like sending out cards and postcards and stuff. I'm old-fashioned that way. I mean I like receiving them, so I'm guessing people would be happy getting them too. I didn't tell them that I was mailing the card (surprise is good) with the exception of 1 because she said she was moving so I needed to be sure. I'm too broke to be wasting money.

I have so many friends, you'll need 3 good fingers to count them all.

see these bones

2007-12-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

Recently bought a couple of shirts like this and this from this online shirt store, Threadless. But no. I'm not emo or depressed or anything. I just thought they were nice. My mom asked me why I bought them. With those somewhat disturbing images. She was like scared or something, I guess. But no. I am no emo or anything. I can't say I'm okay because I don't think anyone is okay in this world but I'm not going to do anything to ruin this one life. Promise. It's just a shirt.

My mom also hates skull prints on anything. Wearing anything with skull prints makes you a not very good person.

I wish I could write more. But apart from having my sister back from Oxford, having dinner at this Japanese restaurant which turned out to be the same restaurant we used to go only with a different name and having a couple of waitresses still recognizing us, the past couple of days have been pretty uneventful.

Maybe next week.

Gracias

2007-12-06T20:03:00.000+08:00

My dedicating the whole month to driving haven't actually work out. Yet. Well, mostly because nobody wants to be the good passenger who sits next to me telling me if I'm doing okay, or not. Secondly because I'm lazy.

But I'm really tired of this not driving thing, you know. When my sister/brother wants to go out they'll just say that they'll be using the car. When I want to go out, I have to ask for someone (now, it's most likely my younger brother) to drive me to that place I want to be at. It's not cool when most of your friends drive and having yourself relying on your younger brother.

A couple of nights ago had dinner at this place, Little Italy, with a bunch of friends. The food was alright but the company was great. About 10 of us there, pretty big group. So, sitting on this very long table, we sort of was separated into 3 smaller groups. I mean, you don't really want to shout questions to the person sitting at the other end, right?

One of my friend sat at the end of a rectangular table. I was sitting next to her because I was faster. Hah. Nobody wants to sit on that chair, really. Because you unofficially becomes the boss that way. The waiter quickly assumed she was the chairperson (he said that himself. chairperson.) and then handed us the menu.

Friend: (Waiter guy hands her a menu)
Friend: Gracias!
Waiter: (continued to pass the menu around)
Waiter: By the way, that's Spanish.*
Us: (A second of silence before bursting into laughter after realizing how stupid that was)

The funny thing was before that waiter came we had this little discussion, wondering amongst us what Thanks was in Italian. Then, one of them said maybe it's Gracias. But then, we figured out that that was Spanish. But my friend said it anyway because well, guess it was close enough. Maybe she was half expecting the waiter wouldn't notice.

All through dinner, we called that waiter guy "by the way". And my friend almost asked him what Thanks was in Italian. She didn't though.

Oh.

And I still don't know how to say Thanks in Italian.

*Edit: Actually what the waiter really said was "That's Spanish, by the way." Just needed to write that down. I feel like a liar writing that wrong. How I knew? That friend told me I had it wrong! (Not thru this though. I was told her what Thanks meant in Italian and she corrected my memory. hah.)

what i've been up to

2007-11-30T14:51:00.000+08:00

When I got home from college, there was suddenly an army (army because they try to attack me constantly) of cats at home. Originally, there was just this one cat that keeps coming here for food. Then, one day it got horny, I guess, and made out with another stupid cat and now we have like 4 or 5 kittens here. I honestly do not like cats. And dogs. Well, any animal, actually.

A couple of days ago, I was having breakfast/lunch/brunch/whatever and I was sitting alone in our dining room from where I can see the backyard and all, and the mom cat suddenly just went running real fast and... I think you know where this story is going. It came back with some dead bird. Not the best sight to see when you're eating.

Anyway, I've been spending time just doing nothing at home lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this as a bad thing or anything, in fact, I rather enjoy this. Most of my time is spent sleeping, playing repetitive games, watching TV and hanging out (playing sounds a little too childish) with my kid cousin.

somehow, every time i see that brown-shirt-guy character in this game [delicious 2] i see that guy who plays the lead in how i met your mother.

She's just this kid who watch way too much TV, ask way too many questions and irritates the hell out of me and everyone who's home. But she's also great fun. The best thing so far is making her believe that a "magic rabbit" lives in one of my hats.

somewhere inside this hat, there live a rabbit who gives out candy and chocolates. and yes, that is donald duck at the back.

I've also been playing a lot Diner Dash. And some other game similar to it. I'm basically done with everything in the series, with an expert score on every level. Always wanted to say that because no one actually cares in real life.

a weird coincidence. the second the song sore thumb was playing, this screen showed up.

2007-11-24T16:24:00.000+08:00

my parents are in KB now. they're attending a wedding of one of my cousin's cousin. maybe aunt. i'm not too sure who's getting married. i just know they're there. my brother went with them. and as always, i didn't go with them.

a few hundred miles from KB, a friend of mine is attending her dad's funeral. he passed away thursday night. and i feel so bad for being a lousy friend. all i did was sent her a text message. i'm too scared to even call her. because... i don't know what to say.

back in 2002, she was definitely one of my better friends. we used to sit at the back of the class (there was 4 of us) and everyday was just so much fun. i think we spent about 80% of it just well, laughing. i don't exactly remember what we laughed about or what we even talked about but i remember having a good time. she was, no, still is one of my funniest friends to date.

later that year (it was April actually), i think i betrayed them by moving to a boarding school. i just felt that i needed a change. i wanted out. and i got that.

then, i guess we just drifted apart. but i did send them cards for their birthdays and surprisingly they still remember it till this day. i was trying ~~desperately~~ to be funny when i wrote them the cards and i guess, i succeeded. they thought it was funny. hah.

when i got the text from a friend yesterday, i dunno... it just broke my heart. i know that death hurts. and i know it'll hurt more if the person gone is someone you're really close with (and i'm pretty sure that she is very close with her family). and it will hurt more the older you are, because you're so used to having him around. i cannot say that i know how she feels though because i don't. i just know it hurts. how much? i don't know. i really hope she's dealing okay.

R.I.P Uncle Edward.

writer's block - a photolog

2007-11-22T18:46:00.000+08:00

you know what, that actually rhymed. but that's not really important right now. got home a couple days ago. the plane ride was a little bumpy and the landing was pretty rough. it was raining and was real windy. i guess that was the reason why. and i've been having this weird headache since coming home. my head feels a little lighter than usual and i feel like passing out every time i'm standing. but of course, i don't. i think it's called pride. or maybe ego. not that i've never passed out before but that, my friend, is a whole different story. stories, even.

anyway, i'm home now and i have nothing to say.

was online for 1 day 13 hours 1 minute and 36 seconds. to compensate all the online time i had sacrificed for my finals. or so i like to believe.

the mural we did in high school. and i painted that. i still think it was one of the most awesome project that i was a part of. it still is there after 5 years. well, it was still there last year...

i'm not gonna tell you whose toothbrush that is but let me just tell you that, that person, was still using it at the time of this photo. no. not kidding. definitely one of the funniest (and evil) photo i've ever taken. i'm pretty damn sure that person won't ever see this though. but if you do, that person, i'm sorry. but this was just too funny to pass!

this trip to Gua Niah earlier this year still stands as the scariest shit i've ever done in my life. we had to walk on this, i dunno, 5 inch thick concrete thing with snakes swimming around at the bottom of that thing! i took this photo before the scary part even started. i had to, you know, concentrate during those parts.

goalkeeper's gloves. i wore this a couple of times representing my college. this thing you see, it smells. really badly. i had to share this with other people, you see. and when you're playing, you're bound to end up with sweaty hands. but i love playing for the team so it was alright, i guess. this was during the handball tournament which we lost. badly. i'm hoping to play again next year. and i hope to win. at least a couple of games...

i like taking photographs. especially macro shots of insects. i just think it's pretty. i'm saving to buy a more powerful camera. or maybe one of those camcorders. i definitely won't be able to buy them this year though. maybe next year...

this is what i wear walking around in college. i know they're really ugly and all but they're damn comfortable! i had them since my first year and i have sort of well, i think i've become attached to it. i can't seem to throw them away. and i probably won't.

this book remains as the sickest (not in a good way) book i've ever read. it will haunt you. sometimes, the human's imagination really scares me. i'm not afraid to say that i'm afraid of many things. most of them are from my own imagination.

this is a cliche, i know but i say, if you put your mind to it, you can do it. i'm a big fan of the the diner dash series and one day i decided to enter my name and... let's just say, i got a pretty nice surprise. and i wasn't even playing to get into the high score. imagine what would happen if i did. yes, i'm bragging. sue me.

there was this time in my life when i wanted to be a magician. haha. then i started buying all those magic stuff. then i promised myself i'll learn them during the holidays. i never got around learning even one trick. but i still keep them (the magic box and book) though. who knows i might just get up and learn them one day. though i believe that one day won't come too soon.

i'm reading this right now. only about 20 pages in. i get so distracted with television when i'm home it's so hard for me to start reading again. maybe i'll read it next week. maybe. and no. i don't wear glasses. that case is my sister's.

this is for the little boy up there

2007-11-20T09:55:00.000+08:00

Dear Amir,

So, it's been a year, huh? Man, it was a fast year. I still remember my Mom buying you that bear suit like it happened just this week. Your Ma and my Mom dressing you up in that. You were crying a lot, I remembered. Guess it was the heat. I mean, what were they thinking? It was summer! I can't believe that was so long ago. I can't believe that was the first. And last time I'll ever see you in that bear suit.

Things, they happen. Yes, I know that. Things like these they happen all the time. But only until this time last year, I thought they only happen in TV. Where it'll hurt you but you'll forget about it after an hour or two. A day at most. I never thought they'll leave a permanent scar in your heart. It hurts, for sure. But don't worry kid. We know that He loves you more.

But I've got to honest here. It still is hard for me just to make myself look at old pictures. I don't know but something hurts whenever I do. I mean the possibilities! I still think about that. Maybe you'll be running around the house playing with kid Michelle. I know your Ma and Pa thinks about you constantly too. And my Mom too. My dad... well he doesn't like to show it but I know he thinks about you too. So, if you're worried about not being remembered I say don't be. Because that's just a ridiculous idea.

There's this one question that still bugs me though. Your Ma asked me once, what I would like you to call me when you're older. I still think about that. And no, I still don't know.

This day a year ago, I made a silent promise to myself. I promised that I won't forget. This is me keeping my promise.

something

2007-11-18T00:18:00.000+08:00

Just then, when I was out throwing the trash, this Arab lady next door was just coming in (to her apartment). She was at the door, exactly in front of her door, trying to make the key turn. She looked at me, in a somewhat horrified look and then just started trying really really hard to just get in her apartment. I turned my back for a second to close my door and when I turned back, she was already inside. And she slammed the grill door shut, I might add. I just thought that was a bit strange. And, I'm not trying to be a racist ass or anything, but you know how everyone is supposedly afraid of Arab people? I just thought it was a bit ironic, you know. I dunno. It was just... weird.

Anyway, I just happen to know a couple of days ago, that the movie The Golden Compass was shot in Oxford when I was there last June.

In fact, my sister even told me that they were shooting a Phillip Pullman adaptation and a Malaysian boy was going to have a small role in it (I think this was what she said. Not too sure about this). I think my brother read his books. But I'm not too sure about this either. He's into all this fantasy thing. I'm not. I think I saw it lying around at home some time. But I could be wrong. Anyway, I thought that time that it was going to be a low grade movie and didn't care one bit about it. I never realized how wrong I was until a few days ago. Nicole Kidman is in it! Playing the villain! Which is something we don't normally see her play. Not that I would actually get to see some action if I knew she was there but you know, it would have been more exciting if I knew that time I was there.

Other then that, nothing much happened this week. Weekend. Seriously, I've lost track of time. The past few weeks, I've been constantly asking people what day it is. The scary part is, when I ask my friends in college, most of them are not too sure too.

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Now playing: Mandy Moore - Umbrella
via FoxyTunes

all you need is a little motivation

2007-11-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

sometime before the 13th of November

I remember a (more senior) friend telling me sometime last year that by the time we're in our final year of college, we will stop caring about tests and exams and start worrying about the more important things. When she said that I was skeptical. I mean, I could never do that. I take tests and exams very... well, quite seriously. Because once I got a 0 for a physics paper and everyone else did better and NO ONE else got a 0 and well, let's just say that I don't ever want to feel that again. So, I sort of promised myself to not let that happen anymore.

This year, with about a year and a half to go, I somehow kept thinking about what she said. By the 4th paper, I think I've lost all motivation. So much time, so much to do, so little motivation. And this may sound stupid but most the time (then) I felt like throwing up because I was so sick of it, the studying bit. Seriously. I think I sort of just gave up the day before the paper. And... Let's just say I didn't do too good.

Then, miraculously, I had all the motivation again. For the final finals paper. Computer architecture paper. A subject which, quite strangely, had me among the top performers for this particular semester. How that happened? Well, basically you just need a bit of luck because the quizzes were open-book quizzes and you just have to know where to look. It still amazes me that we (it was done in pairs) were the only 2 persons in class to score a 10/10 for the first two quizzes. Sometimes, you don't even need to read or study or anything. All you need is a bit of luck. It's true, you know. Well, it happened to me.

So for the final paper, I just know I had to push in everything I could inside my already messy head because I can honestly say I didn't learn very much from the classes. Sorry Doc, but it's true... And in the end, I guess it paid off. The reading and all. I don't think I aced the paper but at least I knew most of it. Well, only about 50% actually but that's good enough because that paper was well, pretty tough.

Anyway, since I think I'm going no where with this, I'll just have this to say. I'm just glad it's over. Now I've got about a month of holiday and I haven't really thought about what to do and all. Okay. Lie. I've actually thought about it way before the exams even started. I'm going to dedicate this whole month to... learn how to drive again! Yes. I'm gonna face my fears and drive. I'm tired of not being able to drive. Not having a car around here sucks. I hate public transports but somehow for the past 3 years, that is exactly how I roll. Which is pretty sad, really.

Hopefully I'll be able to pull it off. But first, a week off from everything and everyone because I'm tired of that too.

sometime after the 13th of November

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Now playing: Tegan and Sara - The First
via FoxyTunes

i'll take the blame

2007-11-15T17:39:00.000+08:00

If I was writing this about an hour ago, I probably would have written a lot of nasty things about a lot of people who just well being not so nice to me today. But that was me an hour ago. Now, after listening to a couple of new songs from this band that I really like, well, the angst just miraculously went away.

I just want to say to that bitch who yelled at me just now to, well, go to hell. I don't like you very much. Okay, that was a lie. I don't like you AT ALL. I don't really know what your name is but I know that you're a chemical engineering student, you're 21 just like me and you have no friends. You also never say thank you after a certain kind kid (just in case anyone didn't get this, I was the kid) held the door for about 15 seconds for you and you just walked by like I was paid to do that. Whatever your name is, I don't like you.

Okay, maybe not all the angst went away.

In other news, my finals is finally over (Yay?), Balls of Fury is not a very funny movie and my sister refused to drive me to the station this afternoon causing me to waste about RM 20 for the trip back to college.

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Now playing: Guster - Demons
via FoxyTunes

sleepless, long nights says what my use is for ?

2007-11-07T21:51:00.000+08:00

This is my desktop wallpaper. One I've only started using last week because it made me feel so... so... serene. I dunno. I just like it.

Circa June 2007 (Click for bigger photo)

This is a picture of a bird. A seagull. Though I'm not too sure which specific one. This bird, being a seagull only means that this photo was taken somewhere near the sea. Because, well, that's where they roll. The seagulls, I mean. One the left side of the photo you can see that the sky is dark. The picture is saying that it is going to rain. On the left, you can see traces of a blue sky. The bird is flying away from the dark area towards the blue-ish sky. It's flying away from trouble which is represented by the dark clouds, and flying towards a better existence represented by the clearer sky.

When I took that picture that day in June, I thought of none of those. In fact, all I wanted was a picture of a bird in flight because I thought it would look cool. I guess, when they said that a picture says a thousand words, they weren't joking.

And...

This is totally unrelated but you might want to check out this site. It's call FreeRice and basically you get to play this game, a vocabulary game which I must admit is quite addictive. And every time you get correct answer, some sponsors will donate rice through the United Nations to help end world hunger*! So, if you're looking for ways to kill time you might want to go to the site. You get to have fun and save lives. What more could you ask for? Really, what more could you want? (Okay, maybe a lot. But let's not get into that...)

* I stole that directly from the site.

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Now playing: Feist - One Two Three Four
via FoxyTunes

zhe shi wo de baba

2007-11-04T16:31:00.000+08:00

In the last part of my Mandarin finals paper, we were asked to write a short essay (50-80 characters) about a family member. I know only about 30 Chinese characters. Only about 30 that I can write without referring to books and dictionaries. Only 30 and most of them were number-related. 30 characters and I was told to write a proper essay. This was what I wrote (of course, it was all in Mandarin. Mind you, Mandarin not hanyu pinyin):

This is my dad. He's 51 years old this year, next year he'll be 52. Last year, he was 50. He is a [some word*]. At home, my dad normally watches Chinese serials on the television*. My dad doesn't know you. -The end-

I was actually laughing when I was writing that down. I thought it was really funny that time. Now, I just feel like an idiot.

Wonder what my lecturer will think about that. Sadly, that was the best I could do within the given time...

*we were given a list of 5 words to use in the essay. I only know what one of them meant. I used that one word I knew and this word. The rest I did not use at all. This word I thought was representing some sort of occupation. I checked back after the paper, I was wrong. I still have no idea what it meant.

**this part is not true but I had to write something and I knew how to write home, television and Chinese serials. That would have to do...

edit: *i found out that the word i thought meant some sort of occupation actually was "date of birth". turned out those 5 words were not words that we were supposed to use in the essay, they were hints, to help us with the essay. damn. so basically i just wrote on a real final exam paper, my dad is a date of birth. how the hell was i supposed to know. that word rhymed with yisheng (which is doctor in mandarin) i thought that word meant a policeman or something. man. really hope that lecturer has a sense of humor.

my mp3 player hates me

2007-11-03T00:46:00.000+08:00

I've got a pretty big paper tomorrow at 2pm. I'm supposed to be studying and shit but you know, I got pretty distracted and I think my head is about to blow up and my palms are all sweaty (not that that has anything to do with anything) and so well, here I am. But let's not talk about that. After all, I am here to forget about that a bit. I'll deal with that after I'm done with this.

My mp3 player (a ~~beautiful~~ black Creative Zen V) has failed me. Somehow, for reasons unknown, it froze. I pressed every possible button there is to press, plug it in and out of my laptop and did everything possible and still the screen is still stuck at this one song. A song by Stars. I doubt I'll like that song anymore when I can make it play again. And, it's in pause. I'm not sure when exactly did I hit the pause button but now it's in pause and it won't fucken play! And this is one of the reason why I'm so distracted. I had the night all planned out. I'll read, I'll get stuff to my head then I'll listen to a song or two. Because music saves. And then I'll read again. But that didn't work out too well. Instead, I'm thinking mostly about my mp3 player. That thing makes up 50% of me. What am I to do, now that it's (most probably) broken?

It's really ridiculous that these things have to happen at times like these. Why didn't it happen when I was home or some other time. Why now? When I need it the most. But you know, this is life. This fucken life in all it's glory.

Sorry. I'm just really mad at this whole situation right now. And I'm actually also pretty scared about the paper tomorrow. Which makes no sense really because I've been sitting for exams the past 15 years of my life.

Hope it won't be too bad.

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Now playing: Throw Me The Statue - Lolita
via FoxyTunes

1+1: A Photolog

2007-10-26T22:09:00.000+08:00

So last week made a trip to this place, Fraser's Hill, a trip which (normally) takes about 2 to 3 hours by bus. Due to many problems, it took us about 6 hours to get there! We got on the bus at about 9 in the morning. We reached there at almost 4pm. Imagine that. The problems - One of the buses broke down (huge group - we needed 3 buses), one of the bus drivers got hungry and wanted to eat so we had to stop (not sure if this one is true but they told me so), only one driver knew the way so he was the one who set the pace, the ridiculous number of stops the bus made, the rain (the road was more slippery than usual) and of course when the road's all narrow and windy, the size of the bus didn't help very much.

But we did get there and that's what important. Got there, rest a bit then went to explore the little town. When we got back, we almost immediately got to work. I was part of the committee, and I was in charged of food so I had to be there and get ready the barbeque set and all. The extremely helpful people at that place we stayed in did most of the work actually. They marinated all that needed to be marinated, they started the fire so all we did was the actual grilling and I had to do the kebabs. The chicken kebabs, that was all me man. Okay, maybe not all me. But I did quite a number of them.

Then, when that was over, it was the presentation time. Since it was a well, academic trip, we couldn't just go there and have fun. There was 2 academic-related activities planned. One of them was this presentation on the history of management. Us committee members didn't have to take part though because we managed the trip. Anyway, most of the groups acted and most of them was actually pretty funny. At least a whole lot better than formal presentations when people just stand there and read and explain.

The funniest line has got to be that one by this Chinese girl in my class. They were acting out the history of Henry Fayol. So, there was two girl characters (actually there was 6, but the rest wasn't that important), one was named ugly but useful and the other pretty but useless. So, in one part the character Henry wanted give someone a promotion, so it was between those two. The dialogue went something like this:

Henry: Ok, skarang saya mau test kamu kalau kamu layak. Hmm.. 1 tambah 1 brapa? [Translation: Ok, now I'll test you, to see if you deserve this. So, what's 1 plus 1?]

[The obvious unfunny answer would have been any number other than 2. We were sort of expecting that answer. But the kid was played Pretty was so into her character and with the sluttiest way managed to say the next line]

Pretty: Aiyah bos.. 1 tambah 1? Mesti la sama dengan (a brief pause).. SAYA! [Translation: Aiyah boss.. 1 plus 1?? The answer most obviously is... ME!]

[Then she was pushed away by the guy who played Henry.]

That was definitely the funniest moment. The room burst into hysterics immediately after she said that one word, "SAYA!". The only people not laughing at that was probably some bastard sleeping at the back and the group members of that play. Best line of the night, definitely.

After it was over, it was already past 12am. Then we (the committee) had to sit down and discuss the day's events. Only got back to the apartment at about 1am.

The next morning after breakfast, we played another game. This one we had to join. It was called Raise Your Flag. The objective was to build the highest flag pole and well, raise your flag. We given some plastic rods (of various length) and some rope (of various sizes). Our group's target was to raise a 30 feet flag pole in one hour. We failed. Within that time, we failed. But we didn't stop trying. Finally maybe 45 mins later, we did manage to let it stand. It was still all wobbly and stuff but at least it was there, up there so high. Then everyone started singing the national anthem and then it started raining. So there we were, a group of kids, singing the national anthem in the rain. But by that time, my hands were killing me because I had to hold a line that was connected to the poles and that thing isn't light, you know.

We had lunch soon after then packed our bags because it was time to go back. The ride back was uneventful. Nothing much happened and I slept almost the whole time. I was tired.

So here are some pictures. Because I'm tired of words.

Destination: Fraser's Hill (Bukit Fraser on the sign)

[Photo not snapped by me] A friend took this one. It was raining pretty heavily that day. Some activities had to be postponed, some canceled.

[Photo snapped by someone else] The road was really bad. Worse than to Ranau. I slept almost the whole way for fear of throwing up.

The bus that broke down. I was not on it. I was on the second bus. The good bus, with a pretty crazy driver. He was driving pretty fast. And it scared us shit when the bus suddenly stopped in the middle of an ascending road.

View from the balcony in the apartment. Very misty cause it was raining all day.

for some unknown reasons, everyone who on the trip took picture with this clock. moments later, i went up those steps to have my picture taken too. in a group of course. it would have been too weird if it was an individual picture.

A monkey. There were more actually hanging off the tree and all. I guess the rest were camera shy. That or maybe I wasn't quick enough to snap when they were close to each other.

They said it was cold. God, just look at the temperature! It's only 21 degrees out. An air-conditioned room is colder!

The map. The place was pretty small, really.

Somewhere near Fraser's Hill town.

BBQ at night! Hot-dogs, squid-on-a-stick and kebabs on the grill. Also on the menu - chicken wings and some lamb.

I think it was the corn that was burning.

I did not take this photo. But I think the view is really nice here.

The apartment buildings we stayed in. 9 per apartment. It was pretty nice. Too bad the whole class was scattered everywhere. So, I didn't get to visit the rest of the apartments. Was too tired to walk that far and it was raining pretty badly too.

View from the balcony: the next morning.

dear someone,

2007-10-26T20:01:00.000+08:00

The Halo phenomena taken from inside my room because I was too lazy to go out in the sun

I finally managed to get the internet bill paid. The fact that it was not paid for two months, then got cut off because of that, was rather embarrassing. In fact, very. And I had to tell people about it too because some of my friends wanted to use it a bit and you know, you can't just say no without a reason. Besides I was too tired to come up with a lie, I decided to just tell the truth and handle it like a grown-up. Hah. Except grown-ups don't forget to pay the bills. Not the grown-ups in my family anyway. [Yes, I still consider myself a kid. I live in denial.]

The finals will start next week. Tuesday to be exact. Then 3 consecutive papers on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th of November. A week of nothing before having to deal with another 2 papers. And I really need to study, hard, because I never pay attention in class.

Yesterday was the Mandarin oral test. She (lecturer) gave us a script (a dialogue actually) and we were supposed to read it. The script was all in Chinese characters. I spent the previous night memorizing all the characters (about 50 maybe) like crazy, only to choke when I was standing right there in front of it. Damn.

To make matters worse, my turn was immediately after the best kid in class (so good she was given a special gift by the lecturer during the last class. no kidding). So, psychologically speaking, of course I won't sound too good. She read like it was nothing, I was stopping in some parts, eying those characters like stupid. But truthfully, I only didn't remember about 6 or 7 characters. Some kids who were saying they didn't read whole sentences received better marks than me! Man, I was definitely pissed when I saw the marks. I mean, seriously, I'm part Chinese, I'm supposed to be well, naturally good at it!

Okay. Better not think too much about that. All I know now is that I need to do good for the finals. I can't lose to a bunch of kids with no Chinese blood in them, you know. That wouldn't be too good. Not at all.

let dreams be dreams

2007-10-26T15:27:00.000+08:00

Twice this week I woke up from a bad dream. Both seemed so real, I woke up questioning how true it was.

It was Friday night. I was alone in the room. I woke up at exactly 4.31am. I took me perhaps an hour to get back to sleep because I was so fucken scared. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her again. I woke up again about 2 hours later. I had to pee. And I swear I almost passed out right then and there, on to the wet floor. And this may sound stupid, but when I manage to get back to my room (safely) I was convinced that I left half my soul in that dream. The only explanation to why I wasn’t feeling so good that morning.

Second time was Monday. I was woken up by a dream at about a quarter to 10. I sit up. And my head was feeling a little light. Everything was moving. It was strange. It was almost the same feeling as Friday. I lie back. This time I wanted it to go away first. I didn’t. Not until a very long time anyway.

On both occasions, I took some pills (Paracetamol) to make it (a weird kind of headache) go away. I rely on meds too much. Natural things don’t work anymore for me. And on both occasions, it (the pain) did after a couple of hours, which was a good thing. At least it didn’t last that long.

Those dreams I had, were about death. Both of them. The first one, I remember going to this place and seeing this old lady. She was sitting down, praying. Then I had someone (I don’t remember who) in the dream telling me that the lady was actually dead. She just thinks she’s alive. She’s down there reciting all this things in Arab and I remember she was reciting about 19 passages. Then someone said that everything she said was wrong though I don’t know how they were wrong. Then, another person came and said he (I remember he was a male. I don’t know who he was though) knows all the 19 passages. As the old lady began to read them, he assured me that they were wrong. Then the lady turned, to look at me. As she turned, I woke up.

Something about that dream was very disturbing. I can’t quite say what.

The second dream, I don’t really want to talk about. Let just say I dreamt the death of someone I know personally. It wasn’t the best dream in the world at all.

I rather not dream than have dreams like these this often. Sadly, I can’t control my dreams. Even if I can, I don’t know how to.

Also I have been really busy this past week. And unfortunately for me it (the being busy) will probably continue until the 5th of November.

this is a lesson

2007-10-19T11:52:00.000+08:00

It'll be another busy week this. I didn't realized that I had forgotten so many things when I was home for the holidays. For example, I have forgotten that we had to submit an essay next week. That we have to find new information for a class project. That I had to photocopy the lab results. That I needed to pay the bill.

This definitely isn't one of those great weeks.

I've never been in a situation where I have to deal with bills and money and things like that, you know. Everything in life is paid for, by my mom. Brats, really. So when I had the internet line, it became my (or rather our, since I'm sharing it with a few friends) responsibility. A first involving monthly bills. And because all of us sort of never deals with this stuff, we had no idea how to deal with it. Putting it off every time. So, the service provider, well, they cut it. I have no internet anymore. Well, until the bill is paid anyway. Which will probably be sometime next week. The fact that it'll be a pretty busy week isn't helping much.

But at least there is something to look forward to this weekend. A class trip. To this picturesque hilly resort a couple of hours from where I'm at. And no. It's not a because we want to get out an have fun type of trip. It actually is part of a class assignment. And I'm one of the committee members, so it's a compulsory trip. Not much of a choice really.

Okay. I need to go back now. Hope the trip will be fun.

she says no all the time. just like me.

2007-10-18T01:34:00.000+08:00

In about 12 hours time, I'll be on a plane heading west. In about 12 hours time, this holiday will officially be over. I'm not really looking forward for the things that will be happening in about 12 hours time.

Last night, I made some arrangements with a friend. I said to her maybe we should meet up and just talk over coffee or perhaps lunch or something because the last time we saw each other was about 8 months ago. And we were pretty close for a few years. So after multiple text messages, we finally decided on a place and a time.

I woke up this morning and didn't feel like going out, at all. All I wanted to do was, well, nothing. So, I called it off. I told her I had things to do. Which is of course, partly true. She seemed alright with it. I think. Well, if she was not feeling too good about it, she certainly didn't show it. Or maybe I just suck at reading people.

Then I continued the day, rather happily I might add. The worst part all of it, I think, is not having the guilt. I say no way too many times that the guilt is gone. I'm not a very good friend. I know. I'm not much of a people person. I rather text or email.

But I did promise her we'd catch up the next time around. I'm making sure I keep that promise.

I hope.

stories to tell

2007-10-16T23:03:00.000+08:00

After hundreds of handshakes, tons of cookies and more than a dozen houses later, I am back. Unfortunately for me, in two days time, I'll be away again - this time, back to college.

Eid was surprisingly good this year. I enjoyed it much more than I expected, which is a good thing. Went back to my dad's hometown early on the first day of Eid. Only came back today.

It's surprising how many people can turn up to be a relative so suddenly. It was like every house I went to was the house of a relative. Distant but still, blood or marriage related. Which was actually pretty weird. I had a friend over on the third day and it was at one of my aunt's house and when I introduced my friend to my aunt she was like, "Ohh.. Saudara juga bah tu!".

She was telling me that we're related.

Which was a little weird, of course. Mostly because of the fact that I knew that friend since I was 16. Oh well. But I am certain that one of her cousins is definitely related to me. Technically, she is my niece. One I only got to know yesterday. Which was also a little weird. I don't know how but seriously I tell you, somehow everyone there is related. Or maybe I just have a really big family.

I could go into details about how Eid was for me but that would be pretty boring and it would probably just ruin the memory.

I just read in Blink that writing down the things that you have in your memory can actually damage the real thought. Like say, think of the last person you saw and talked to. You will now have a clear image of him/her in your head. Now, write how you would describe his/her face. And you would probably have difficulty remembering what that person was wearing and that kind of stuff. If that doesn't make any sense, please ignore the whole paragraph.

But you know, Eid is a month-long celebration. So, I guess I'll have more of it when I get back to school. Only I'll be celebrating with a whole different clan. It'll still be good though. I hope. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it will.

Eid Mubarak

2007-10-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow's Eid. Here it's tomorrow anyway. In London, they're already celebrating.

Will be spending it this year in Ranau. Will be staying there for a couple of days. It's gonna be a long weekend this.

Will be back on Tuesday. Happy Eid and have a good weekend people.

things to do when sleep doesnt work

2007-10-10T00:33:00.000+08:00

12.33AM. That’s what the clock tells me anyway. Can’t sleep. Not even tired yet. I’m so used to sleeping late. This is too early for me.

There’s so much to say but nothing is coming out.

I’m thinking about what the numbers in Death Cab’s songs mean. 405. 409. I have no idea. If you know, please let me know. Roads? Rooms?

I’m already thinking about what to eat tomorrow. We just had a buffet dinner in some hotel about 6 hours ago. I’m still stuffed, really.

I’m thinking about the past again. No matter how good it was, if I was given a chance to relive it again, I would pass. I wouldn’t want to change any of it. Watching the Butterfly Effect some time ago probably affected this decision.

I still haven’t formatted my laptop. I’m still waiting for the right time. I have all the time in the world right now but the right time never comes.

I’m surrounded by so many people right now. And yet, I’ve never felt so alone.

she doesn't get it

2007-10-09T15:08:00.000+08:00

Today, I'm getting my laptop a makeover. I'm going to reformat it. Only the third time, ever.

The first time was back in 2005. I only had it (my laptop) for a few months. And some stupid virus got in, caused it to crash and it got real slow and all that. Since I was relatively new to the computer business back then, I had to ask for help the first time. And who better to help than the lab technie. Since I hang out in the lab most the time back then, he sort of already knew who I was so it was pretty easy to get him to help. All I did was ask and he said okay. He’s a real nice fellow. He talked too much though. I pretty much know everything about his wife and kids from him. But I also learned a lot from him. When the new computer lab (with new, faster computer) was opened, the old one was closed down. That was the end of my learning sessions with Mr. Technie.

The second time was some time last year. The laptop sort of got slow and all and I wanted to clean it up a bit. There was also a possible worm somewhere. So, I just had to format it. So, I searched here and there and asked a lot of questions until I got the nerve to just format it. I know it sounds easy and all but it’s pretty nerve-wrecking to me (yes, I think through things too much sometimes). One wrong step could make me lose a lot of important things. In the end, I convinced myself that it’s a learning process. If anything goes wrong, at least I know it won’t happen next time. And fortunately for me, all went well. In fact, it was pretty easy. When I got back to school that semester, I suddenly became this sort of computer genius. A LOT of people was asking me for help. No kidding. But here’s a secret. Most the time, I don’t actually know what I’m doing. I just act like I do.

The third time… is now. Well, not now exactly. Soon. In a couple of hours, maybe. Maybe tomorrow. I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. I basically have forgotten everything about how to actually do it and I’m actually don’t like losing a lot of this stuff here. But this laptop is getting slow and it sometimes shuts down on its own so I need to clean it up before it crashes with all my work in it.

Nope. No virus/worm attack this time. My laptop is clean in that sense. In fact, I take such good care of this, it’s been clean since the last time I format it. It’s not easy to keep it this way, you know. Ask (my) college people. You’ll see what I mean. I’m very good at detecting this virus thing. Not bragging or anything but you see, I’m supposed to be at least good at it. You can’t go around telling people that in a couple of years time, you’ll be a computer engineer and then have no idea how to deal with easy viruses.

One of the most shameful techniques I know people are using is this one: They’ll use their USB drive to get something from some virus-infected PC and then before using it on their own desktop/laptop, use it on another victim’s (most the time a naive friend) to see how bad the damage will be.

Just last Wednesday, someone did that to me. I said yeah, because I’m some cocky kid who thinks her laptop is invincible. And because I know that I know how to get rid of it if there’s something unwanted in there. And there was indeed some Trojan horse in that external drive out to ruin my laptop. I got rid of it before it had the chance to get in and ruin my hard drive. Oh and just in case you’re wondering, I know of this technique because I sort of used it a couple of times too. Hah. I promise I won’t do it again though. Because it’s wrong.

So, you may have figured out that the only reason I’m writing about this is to delay the processvof actually doing it. And because I have nothing better to do.

Goodbye high scores. Goodbye calendar. Goodbye list. Goodbye history. Goodbye bookmarks.

Oh right. Goodbye for now.

are u an alien or a robot? im a robot.

2007-10-05T19:25:00.000+08:00

Some time back I was convinced that I lost this something of mine. I looked everywhere the last three months and couldn't find it anywhere. I gave up and decided I won't ever see it again.

Last night when I got back home, I found my room cleaned. Things were moved and all. Wasn't too happy about that but at least it's clean, I guess. I saw an old shoe box on top of one of my shelves. I wondered a bit about what I had in there and when I opened it, there it was. All the while I thought it was gone, it was right here in my room at home. The tricks He plays...

For some reason, during most weekday mornings, someone will send me a text asking me this question, "Has Dr. X* arrived?". It seems that my classmates thinks of me as the one who goes to class early. Well, it's true that I don't really like being late to class and all but.. well, asking me that almost everyday can get pretty annoying. Especially when not just 1 or 2 but 3 people ask me the same question on the same morning. It's a big class, go ask some one else. But of course I never tell that to their faces. Instead I robotically reply and most the time write back, "Yes."

I also learned something new about me recently. In PD last weekend, we spent most of the time taking pictures. Of us, of the surroundings, of the people and just about of everything else. In one of the many sessions, my photographer-wannabe friend took this fishlike photo of my face (she called it the fish face or something. It's a photo of the face taken from close range at this specific angle where the space between the eyes looks the farthest. If you know what I mean.). Yes, we were bored enough to try different techniques. Hah.

Then, I realized that I have bags under my eyes. Crap. I knew I wasn't sleeping too well the past few months or so but I never thought it was noticeable or anything. When I mentioned this to her, she looked a little confused. Then she said to me, "What? You didn't know that already?"

I guess some things in life, other people just know better.

*Replace X with any one of my lecturer's name. We don't call them professors over here. They're either Dr. Something-something or just the lecturer.

The Artificial Beach: A Photolog

2007-10-02T01:47:00.000+08:00

Spent last weekend with a bunch of friends and about 2000 kids from my University at this resort in Port Dickson, Tiara Beach Resort. It was alright, I guess. I've never been to events like that before so it was a pretty good experience for me. Except maybe the number of people there was just too big. I was sort of hoping for a smaller number, it's more personal that way, you know.

I was also sort of hoping to spend time on the beach. I know it's hot and all here but the beach is always a nice place to be at. Unfortunately, the resort we stayed at was like a couple of miles off the nearest beach. And we didn't have a car or anything, plus we were too tired and lazy to walk. In the end, the only beach we saw there was an artificial one. Pretty sad, really.

My (digicam) batteries went dead early on the second day, so I couldn't take as much pictures as I wanted to. And the stupid store there ran out of them too. So, I had to rely on my friends' cameras for pictures. Here are a few off two cameras. Mine and a friend's.

The view from the bus. The ride was about 1 and a half hours long. And it was mostly palm trees that we saw.

The hotel room I shared with another 3 people - my classmate, my junior and my old room-mate.

This was my bed for two days. The one of the right is. They actually remove the upper half of the bed and made it into 4 separate beds. The two on the previous picture is not a bouncy as these two. In fact, they were made out of solid wood and was really hard.

This sticker was on the window.

By ignoring the warning on the sticker, I opened the window to take this picture of the view from our room. Not the greatest view in the world, really.

This was where we ate.

The artificial beach and one of the pools.

Some kid's slippers on the artificial sand.

A friend and I under the hot sun.

Relaxing on a hammock. To be honest, it was my first time on a hammock. I got off feeling a little dizzy because it was swaying too much.

The view from someone else's room.

Some fountains, some trees, some building and some other people.

The Indian Elvis performing on our last night there. Later, a pretty slutty looking 12-year-old (maybe 11yo) sang, some acrobats performed and a movie was screened.

the cold air will wash your hard heart away

2007-09-26T23:57:00.001+08:00

Saw this the other day on YouTube:

I'm not too sure if they're making fun of the song or if they actually like the song or what. But this version definitely made me smile. Maybe even laugh a little. Hah. Especially that "ella.. ella.. eh.. eh.. eh.." part. This version is a thousand times better than the original version. Hah.

Also, this was featured on Yahoo's main page yesterday:

Crap.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of one of my classmates passed away this morning. I don't know her nor have I ever seen her. But I hear stories about her a lot. This morning, my first class was at 9am. I went in late because well, I was doing laundry. When I walked out on the way to class, I saw that classmate sitting, waiting for someone, a ride most likely. I asked her in a mock angry tone why isn't she in class. She said that her friend was in the ICU. Because I was already 20 minutes late (I normally go to class early. This morning was one of those rare mornings that I don't), all I did was said "Oh.." then waved goodbye while grinning at the same time because I'm weird that way.

At about 11am, that classmate sent a text message to one of my other classmate saying that her friend is gone. I immediately thought about seeing her earlier that morning and can't help feeling like an ass. I felt pretty bad.

I don't know that person personally or anything but somehow that news broke me. I'm extremely sensitive about this issue. I've never lost a friend before and I don't really want to experience that. If someone has to go, I rather it be me. Not that I'm noble or anything, it's because I'm selfish, really.

Hope she rest in peace.

Al-Fatihah.

challenges of the unknown

2007-09-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

Strangely, I was somehow chosen to go to this camp thing in Port Dickson this weekend. Organizational.. bla.. bla.. bla.. I'm not too sure what it's for. Will be staying in a resort. Well, that's what they said anyway. And that, my friends, sounds pretty damn good.

What strange about it is the fact that it's a college-organized thing. All the active college people are going. And I'm not supposed to be one of them. All I ever did for my college was lose a few sports meeting. So, it's really strange. Maybe I was one of the random kids they chose to fill in the quota. Who knows. Oh well.

At least it'll be good to get away from here for a while. It's like a free holiday. I get to go there for the weekend, enjoy the place, have maybe a few activities, go crazy taking pictures and the best part is, I don't have to pay a thing. It's free. Well, at least I think it's free. They haven't said anything about paying yet. In fact, they haven't even said anything about the trip. A friend told me about it. She said that my name was on some piece of paper in the elevator and I just started imagining what the trip would be like. It's called planning. Sort of.

Not too long ago, I realized that I'm very bad at keeping in touch with old friends. I never call or text or email anyone anymore. Suddenly I realized how bad it was for me. I don't want to die and not have anyone know about it, you know. So, with a little effort, I started sending messages to old friends just to see how they're doing.

And it's good to know how they're doing. Recalling embarrassing moments from the past and all. I missed talking to them so it was really good to be talking to them again. Okay, maybe not talk. But.. Ahh.. it's the same thing. You get what I mean, right?

Anyway, all was good until one suddenly suggest we meet up. The first thing that I wanted to say was well, NO! But that would be rude, you know. So, I started saying stuff to delay the meeting. No, I did not lie. I just stretched the truth a little.

I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. I mean, I want to meet them, I want to talk about the past with them and I want see how they're doing now. But I just don't feel like doing it now or anywhere in the near future. Which is strange because about a week ago, this was actually the reason I started talking to people again. I confuse myself sometimes.

Oh and I think I need a haircut. I thought my hair was going to be indie-ish cool. But no. It's just ridiculously messy now.

it was not real

2007-09-22T01:16:00.000+08:00

Something really strange happened this morning. Something so strange, I think it's the first time it has ever happened to me. As far as this mind can remember, anyway. I think I hallucinated. Really, very weird.

I slept late last night, finishing up my part for a case study we were to submit less than 24 hours later. When I was done with that, I sort of got stuck IM-ing with a few friends. It was about 4 in the morning when I finally went to bed.

Then at about 7am I thought I saw one of my classmates waking me up for the morning prayer. She poked me a few times. She looked and sounded exactly like her. Half asleep I forced myself to wake up. Then when my mind registered the first thing I thought was, "What the hell is she doing in my room this early in the morning?!"

So I did a double take and looked at her maybe a few seconds too long. Don't know if she realized I was staring or not because my eyes were half shut and I was trying damn hard to just focus on the face.

Turns out it was just my roommate. Not my classmate. Then, I got up and continued as normal as possible to the toilet to do the usual morning stuff.

That was a really weird experience. She looked and sounded exactly like her. Definitely one of the strangest things to have ever happened to me.

I'm believing it happened because I was just too damn tired and I hadn't had enough sleep all week. That's a good enough explanation.

I swear I'm not crazy. I'm not, right?

just chill

2007-09-21T02:17:00.000+08:00

My plans for the weekend - sleep. I haven't been getting enough sleep all week, I'll be spending the weekend catching on some sleep. So what if you think I'm a boring person. I need my sleep.

Basically there isn't much to write about right now. Everything in my head is school-related. It's hard to separate it from everything else when it's all I actually think about all day.

Sat for my last test paper (for the current term) about 12 hours ago. Due to submit my last case report (again, for the current term) in less than 12 hours from now. I could bore you with some more school-related stories, I rather not.

I don't want to think about them either.

My wardrobe consists of well, about 3 colors. Black, dark blue and one really bright orange shirt. Don't ask me how it got there. But most the time, all I ever wear is black. I don't even know why. I didn't even realized that I was wearing black so much until a few people started talking about it. When I wore something in a lighter shade of blue a couple of days ago, they thought I ran out of clean black-colored clothes. I didn't. I just felt like wearing blue.

Note to self: Stop buying anything in black.

Also, I think someone I know need to learn how to chill. Nothing good is going to come out with you acting that way.

the saddest thing that I'd ever seen...

2007-09-18T11:52:00.000+08:00

I had one of those crazy nightmares this morning. I woke up almost gasping at 5 in the morning. It was one of those dreams when waking up was a relief. I was truly scared when I woke up. Thinking about it, thinking what I would do if it was actually true. Scary, definitely.

I left my laptop on last night. I was downloading this simulator thing for what I hope is my last project this term. The download rate is really slow here so I sort of had to leave it on. I don't normally leave it on the whole night.

Anyways, when I was woken up by that dream, out of habit, the first I did was check on my laptop (if it's still there). And the download... apparently it stopped. I mean it hanged. Or is it hung? Whatever the term is. So, I had to re-download it (which is really annoying because the process is pretty long) and wait another couple of hours. Which I spent going back to sleep. I surprised myself on how easily I slept back after that scary episode. So much for leaving it on all night, huh.

And...

I have nothing else to write about.

happy Ramadan people

2007-09-16T09:10:00.000+08:00

I'm just happy it's a new week. You have no idea how much I wanted it (last week) to end. Everyday was a deadline. If not a test, a quiz. Or at least something to submit. Very, very stressful. Well, for me at least. The other kids seemed fine with it...

The worst was probably Monday. I still get angry just thinking about it. That group thing that I mentioned about in the last post... turned out that we were supposed to submit it on that very Monday!

Here's the deal, my group - 3 members. One was injured, one was me and the other one didn't even bother to tell me that we needed to submit it that very day!! Well, she did. About 1 hour before the deadline! That was so fucken stupid! My head was so messed-up by then, I punched the wall and bruised my knuckles. Lucky no one was around to see that. It wouldn't be too pretty.

So, I had about one hour to finish the MOST important part of the project and well, you can guess how well that went. I couldn't think as creative as I wanted to and I guess it just didn't turn out good. Group projects are important. I take it seriously because I know I'm not that good at the other stuff. I see it as a chance to do well. It was just wrong that they weren't as into it as I was.

And the thing was, the project was both an class assignment and a competition. I was trying to win, because logically, if we win, we'll automatically get top marks for the assignment, but all she said was it was okay as long as we did it for the assignment, it was okay. It broke me when she said that. All I wanted was a little commitment. I didn't get it...

To tell the truth, this isn't the first time these kind of things happened, to me.

My group members, they're great friends of mine. Personally, as a person, I like them. We can talk easily, we hang out sometimes but when it comes to things like these... I don't really know what to say...

Okay, maybe it's not a good idea to get so angry right now. It's the holy month of Ramadan after all. I should be doing more good. I should stop the whining.

And I've been fasting for a few days now. All is okay so far. Just that everything seems to be moving at a slower pace these days. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the hunger talking. I don't know.

So, fellow fasters, enjoy fasting. 1 month isn't too long.

=)

2007-09-16T00:14:00.000+08:00

i'm just glad that this week is over...

half empty or half full

2007-09-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

you have no idea how lazy i can get when im at home. i pretty much am in deep shit right now. im done with my essay, which is good news to me. im done with my part of the group project, which is also pretty good news. but then something else happened. you know, the way life never fails to let you down, something always happen.

a group member is unexpectedly injured (won't go into detail about that though. let's just say she's somewhere there and with no computer and no internet and no way to send me her part of the deal). and she only told me about it yesterday. she's not done with her part of the project and she won't be back in college until the 16th of September. we're supposed to hand in the project papers next week! which means, i have to finish up her part for her and... well, more work for me.

so instead of doing my planned study-for-test thing today, i had to sit down, think and write on her behalf. i mean, im sorry she got hurt and all (it did sound painful when she told me) but... why me? i sound selfish, you dont have to tell me. i know. i just can't help it.

and the test... i have no idea when i'll take it. he may make me take it on Tuesday or on Wednesday, i have no idea. what i do know is that i have yet to study a thing! my head is basically running in circles now, having no idea where stop because there's so much to do and so little time to do them all.

i really need to clear this head man. this isnt doing me any good...

what she said

2007-09-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

Have you ever watched a TV show so lame, so bad, that you just can't take your eyes of it? Which actually sounds really stupid but it happened, to me. The show was a reality show - Who Wants to be a Superhero? It's hosted by Stan Lee and it's so ridiculous, I can't help but watch. Only started airing here, where I live, today. I saw the previews and thought why not. So, I spent about an hour of my precious time today in front of the TV watching people in tights making fun of themselves.

I can't help it but I really like watching reality TV, no matter how bad it is. All the drama makes good TV, I guess. My personal favorite would probably be America's Next Top Model. Hah. Some people might not believe that I actually like watching that show. I think I watched all but the first season. It's the drama I tell you.

I recently read Dry and have decided that I need a friend like Pighead. I thought what he did at the end, that was really nice. Dry was a pretty good read. Funny and sad at the same time. But very entertaining.

Also, all the work I am supposed to be done with by now is... not done. Not at all. I've only done 1, it took me 2 days to finish that one. 2 pages long, 2 days. I'm making really slow progress. But I'm the type of person who works better under pressure, so I guess whether I want it or not, I WILL have everything done by Sunday.

She said love is watching someone die. Who's gonna watch me die?

I guess you know which band I'm listening to most these days.

need.to.focus.mind.please.dont.stray.

2007-09-04T20:28:00.000+08:00

Some days, you feel like you have so much in your head, you end up writing (or rather typing) multiple entries to get it all out. Some days, when you sit on the very same seat, in front of the very same screen and think for hours and you just cannot come up with any words worth typing. Some days, you think you know what to do and then when everything is ready, when everything is laid perfectly right in front for you, you realized you don't.

I have this proposal (2 actually. Because I'm ambitious) to finish. I'm setting Thursday as my deadline. Though the real deadline is sometime next week. But it's a group thing and I want to finish up my part early. The idea is, after all, mine. I had it in my head for more than 3 weeks now. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. Now, I'm not so sure.

Back when I first thought it up, I thought it was the most creative thing, ever. I was pretty damn sure we could win the whole thing (it's a competition, this). Now, after some more thinking, research and one group discussion, I don't think we even stand a chance. And now that I actually have to write it in paper, I have no idea how to write it down, nicely. It's really frustrating.

I think it's absurd that the school let us have this 1 week break and then make us spend it thinking about the things that we have to face once this is over. 2 assignments to hand in next week. The thing is, both are group assignments. Which ultimately means, we won't be able to get it done properly until we come back anyway. Which means that next week will be an extremely busy week. Not to mention that it's also another one of those Test week. One on Monday and another on Sunday. Also a quiz on Tuesday.

The worst thing about this is, you can't really do anything about it. You just have to deal with it.

But since I'm the only person in my class who's from the other side of the country, who's gone back home this holiday, who will only be back on Monday (the test is at 10am. My 2-and-a-half-hour flight departs at about 7am, which means I probably won't make it) the good lecturer gave me an excuse. A special case, he said. I will take the test at a different time and place. So, if I'm nice enough to the other kids, I mean my friends, I might be able to bribe a few questions off them. Hah. That would be pretty awesome.

Just hope that he recycles the same question paper. If he doesn't, guess I just have to pray real bad for the best then.

I just realized that I left half my notes in college.

for lack of better words: a photolog

2007-09-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

My futsal team jersey. I was number 14. It made its first appearance in 2005, I think. It's college property. So, you sort of have to give it back once the tournament is over then wear it only the next you play, if you get to play again.

This is what a nice shin guard looks like. I borrowed this from a guy friend and let one of my team mates used it. The one I was using was the college-supplied version.

And this is the shin pad I used throughout the tournament. The elastic is loose and it's actually borrowed from the softball team. Almost everything is multi-purpose, you see. Cheaper, I guess, that way.

My battered shoes. It's not official futsal shoes but it's the only pair I've got. I mean, the only pair that I can run in and not hurt my feet or anything. I'm thinking about getting a real one later this year.

I got home and saw an envelope on my study desk. One from Singapore. And inside was these pins. Lennat Mak, a kid I know from one of the LJ community I was in gave these out for free some time ago. She's a real nice kid. I should really send her a thank you card or something.

There was also a postcard. It looked kinda old. I thought it was my sister's or someone else's. I had no idea it was for me until I flipped it.

It was from a mate studying in Australia. I know postcards are old-fashioned but it's nice to be getting postcards from around the globe. It really is.

And also there was package. I knew this one was coming but had no idea that it would come so soon. So now, I can say that I have officially touched the new album =) It's nice to own something this great. It's the deluxe version too.

Then I saw this at the back. Does this mean I need to buy another one? Because they didn't actually get anything from the one I bought...

Then, I went to unpack my bag and decided to put away the books I recently bought into my one little bookshelf. I seriously think I need a bigger one.

alone again for the weekend

2007-09-01T21:08:00.000+08:00

When I was in college, I was convinced that I left my pencil case at home. I told everyone it's there (at home) and self-made one out of paper and stapled it together. It wasn't the most beautiful thing I made but I thought it was creative and use-able enough even though I had several offers from people to buy me a new one.

Now that I'm home, my pencil case is no where to be found! If it's not here, not in my room in college, not in my sister's place... where the hell is it? I'm just glad that my favorite mechanical pencil wasn't in that pencil case. I always put it someplace else, someplace easier to reach because I use it the most out of everything else in there. Too bad my favorite penknife is now gone. It's one of my my most prized possession. I had it since my early teens.

No, I don't cut myself.

Had dinner with my parents just then. Went out to The Hut (the shrimp cocktail there is the best!) and had a pretty good meal. We used to go there a lot when we were kids. So having to go there just then with only my parents felt a little weird. Normally, my brother or one of my sisters would be present. But just then, it was just me. And them. Even now, I'm the only kid home.

It's weird because I like having my siblings around. At least one of them, I don't care which one. It's weird because I have no one to shout at over the most mundane things. It's weird because there's no one to blame when the milk/juice runs out. It's weird because I get the to watch any channel I want at any time. It's weird because I now have to go out with just my parents for dinner. I'm so used to sharing, not sharing feels a little weird. I feel like an only child. I don't like this feeling.

Dammit.

You don't really realize how old you've gotten until these things happen.

just let me please breakdown

2007-08-30T21:27:00.000+08:00

Today, my horoscope reads:

Be confident as today begins -- there's an awful lot of positive energy around you.

This morning I went to the faculty early with hopes of talking to one of my lecturer. I wanted to ask him something and discuss some things about a project we were supposed to do. He wasn't in. I wasted more than 1 hour of sleep.

A pretty close friend of mine just told me a pretty dark secret. A fact not many people know about. Now that I know, I can't help but feel sad. Feel sorry. It has nothing to do with me but I can't help but feel bad. It's really depressing, really.

I was supposed to spend the night at my sister's but she wouldn't pick me up and I'm too broke to get on a cab so I'm staying here until my scheduled flight tomorrow. My room-mate's gone back home and I'm feeling a little lonely now. I don't really talk much to her but to have someone in the room with me gives me some sort of comfort.

Today turned out to be a pretty depressing day for me. Where the hell did that awful lot of positive energy gone to?

2007-08-28T23:17:00.000+08:00

To tell the truth, I'm still high from the excitement of last week. It just feels really weird that I seem to have all these free time now. The past 2, 3 weeks I've been spending almost every night kicking and running in that little court, 5 minutes away from my room. And now that the tournament is over, it's somewhat weird. Now that it's over, I don't really know what else to do. I mean I have tons of work to deal with but I don't feel like dealing with any of those. I guess I'm still stuck in my getting-used-to phase. It happens every now and then, this.

I spent this afternoon reading Jodi Picoult's The Tenth Circle when I was supposed to be doing either this pretty important assignment which contributes 20% (or more, I don't really remember. I'm very ignorant in class. I need to change that about me) for my Communication System subject or finishing up my lab report. I think I lost the motivation to study, to learn, to do things academic things, in general. How can I not? Because this Friday, the week long mid-term break starts. Which means, I'll be going home. Which means, I'll actually be home.

I have nothing more to write about. My head is really trying to pull me down, real bad. I've been thinking about the workload of things I need to finish before going home. I've been thinking about the things I can do when I get home. I've been thinking about the things I have to do when I come back from the holiday. And I've been thinking about a hell lot of other things I don't think I should even mention here.

I think I'll have to stop here. I've wasted at least 2 good minutes off your life. Sorry.

you can't really have it all, could you?

2007-08-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

last week was probably the busiest week of this term. well, for me at least. man, i really dont even know how to start. seriously, i dont. so instead of making my head hurt more thinking about it, i'll just make a top 5 list. the top 5 things that made me feel real good about life the past week.

getting the highest mark for test 1 in my management class (a huge class of 107 people. not too bad, eh?). apparently, i was the only person to have gotten an A with a score of more than 90 (A was anything above 80). that was pretty shocking to tell the truth. because i honestly thought the questions were not too bad, not too confusing and mostly straight-forward. and i know this may make me sound a little too geeky, but i honestly thought the subject made an interesting read. i guess studying is easier when you're into it. too bad i wasnt in class when the lecturer mentioned it. i was out in the sun for a very rare evening futsal practice session.
winning women's futsal for CC games for the first time, ever. CC games is somewhat like a tradition, a yearly thing. it's a friendly game thing between the seniors and juniors of my course, nicknamed CC. we lost the last two years so finally winning this year was really sweet. especially for me since I scored 3 of the 4 goals. i dont normally play so up front but my team aren't really players, you see and you have to make do with what you have and play with heart. exactly what we did and we won. pretty cool, really.
getting the highest mark for my computer architecture quiz. a quiz we did in pairs. and once again, we were the only pair with a perfect 10. which i thought was really weird. because it was an open book quiz and i seriously did not study much for it because i had training the previous night. it was a pretty nice surprise though. im not the smartest kid in class, you see. so to be mentioned twice in the space of a week for scoring the best, that's pretty impressive. we were even called to the front of the lecture hall to explain the answers to the whole class.
getting into the quarter finals for the inter-college futsal tournament. we had to win the last group game to qualify for the quarter finals, and when my team mate scored the winning goal, every one was ecstatic. we were jumping for joy and cheering on for the team. that was definitely one of the most beautiful thing i have seen. the passion, the team spirit, everything about it. simply beautiful. who cares if the sun was burning on top of our heads. that time, that goal meant everything to us. unfortunately, we lost during the quarter finals... but by that time, my leg was already dead and i couldn't run or kick very well and one of our strikers was also injured and i guess it just wasn't meant to be. but i'm honored to be part of the team. it's one of the best teams i've played with. tons of fun, definitely. i can't wait to play again.
okay, so maybe there's no number 5. mostly, last week was about getting good grades and futsal. but it was a good week for me. very tiring but one of the best, definitely. too bad it had to end with us losing the tournament...

oh well, there's always next year. we'll get it next year.

every cell in my body is exhausted...

2007-08-24T19:59:00.000+08:00

Pardon my temporary absence from this. Apparently, the real world needs me more right now. It's a busy, busy week, this.

Be back on Monday. Maybe late Sunday. Maybe earlier. Ahh.. we'll see.

Till then, have a great weekend everyone.

you could be happy

2007-08-19T14:36:00.001+08:00

For reasons unknown, I am very distracted today. I have a goal and I don't think I can reach it within the time limit that I myself have set. I have about 4 hours more. I need to finish up my case study report. I need to, fast.

I've been sitting here staring at this monitor for the past 6 hours. [Microsoft] Word is up and running. I have all the sources I need and yet, I can't seem to write anything. I've only done 2 short paragraphs since I started. It seems like my mind is refusing to cooperate.

I live on the second floor of a not so tall (only 7 floors) 10-year old building. From the windows in my room, I can get a pretty nice view of the car-park below. Which means, people down there can get a pretty clear view of what I'm doing if I leave the curtains up. Which also means, I need to be more careful of the things I do in my room because you just never know when someone's watching. I know because I look at other people's room all the time. Just to see if anyone is doing anything stupid. Because way back when (in a different building and time), one of my friends caught a girl popping her pimples (yeah, it was disgusting) because she thought no one was watching and so after that particular day every time I see that girl again, all I could think about was that. Only too bad most of them here draw their curtains by 8pm.

So, I was doing the usual people watching today and saw this lady help this girl with her stuff. I mean, the girl was carrying way too much, more than she herself could handle and was stumbling and stuff. She clearly needed help. This middle-eastern lady who just got out of another car then went up to her and help her with her things. I don't think they know each other.

I was touched. That simple act, it sort of gave me some sort hope. At least now I know the good in people isn't dead. People are so selfish and inconsiderate around here that no one ever hold the door for anyone anymore. They don't even care if you smack your face right into the door. For the longest time, I don't even know or remember what kind was anymore. Until today.

That may not have been much, but that simple thing she did, it made my day.

the moaning meme

2007-08-18T18:02:00.000+08:00

I was tagged by Rambler a long, long, long time ago to do this. And so, here I am doing it, finally.

5 people who will be annoyed you tagged them.

I dunno. I can't even name 2, let alone tag 5!

4 things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth

1 - Crocs. i dont even need an explanation.
2 - my old music collection. it's embarrassing. what's even more embarrassing is the fact that i'm still teased for it. i have a friend who keeps reminding me about it every time we meet up. and it's been 11 years!
3 - crappy movies. the ones with no story line, bad acting and sex scenes that don't fit but they just had to do it. movies like Pathfinder.
4 - Proton Juara. just so people would stop talking crap about it. it's really not the prettiest car in the world - it's shaped like a coffin.

3 things people do that make you want to shake them violently.

1 - people who don't listen. you're talking to them and then waiting for an answer and all they do is stare at you like stupid or even worse, starts ignoring you. i know a few people who do that. i want to smack their heads each time but i dont because i try not to be violent with other people.
2 - people who talk smack. talking about a subject they think they know and understand extremely well when in reality every bit of concept was wrong. then, when i tried to tell them it's wrong, they won't listen. which goes back to no.1, people who don't listen.
3 - people who point and stare at someone who's different.

2 things you find yourself moaning about.

1 - work. the never ending sea of work us students are assigned to every week
2 - my spending habits

1 thing the above answers tell you about yourself.
the fact that i don't like a lot of things in this world. i'm a pessimist.

Guys pass on the rules as well
RULES
*Link to the original meme at freelancecynic.com so people know what it’s all about!
*Be as honest as possible. This is about letting people get to know the real you!
*Try not to insult anyone - unless they really deserve it or are very, very ugly!
*Post these rules at the end of every meme!

Congratulations, the item is yours. Please pay now!

2007-08-18T17:27:00.000+08:00

Ebay is highly addictive. Once you start using, it'll be very hard to stop. It's basically like a drug, I guess. You waste so much money for it. You get your kicks from it. And you don't ever want to stop using it. The only difference is, Ebay is legal (don't know about you, but where I'm at, drug is illegal).

So, I've finally got the new Tegan and Sara album, The Con. Well, I don't actually physically have it here with me, but it'll be here soon. Soon enough. Where from, you say? Well, yeah, that's right. Ebay. I actually wanted to order it from Maplemusic.com but I'm still waiting for my (pre-paid) credit card (it's like a debit card, really. I got it especially to do this) which I should be getting around this time but have yet to get it.

Anyway, while waiting for my plastic, I saw the CD/DVD on sale on Ebay. And it's shipping from Australia. Which means shipping will be a hell lot cheaper than the cost of shipment from Canada. I knew I just had to get it. And I did.

So, there goes a couple of weeks more of lunch money. Gone for a CD and for shipping cost (which is a drag!). My mom gave me a few hundred earlier in the week and now all I have left of it is... well, none. None. I also have only 1/4 of what I had early July in my bank account. It's only been about 1 month or so.

Shit. I haven't even thought of how screwed I am until now. I'm broke. Really broke. Man, this is so wrong. My mom's an accountant and my dad's been telling us since we were little that money don't come easy. I might just have to start eating grass after this.

Now I really can't wait to get home. Because there, everything is free.

no one hears the record spinning in the attic

2007-08-18T12:25:00.000+08:00

the good news is the fact that i got in (the stupid team manager didnt even tell me about it. a friend of mine who was also in the team did). the bad news is we've been practicing every day since last Thursday my legs feel like they're breaking. the dilemma is, i might not be able to play at all since they're playing late on Wednesday (during my 3-hour lab) and the whole of next weekend (i might go camping next weekend. in the woods). i want to go camping and i want to play. that's the problem.

watched Rush Hour 3 with a few friends yesterday. i never (yeah, i dont plan on watching them either) watched the other two Rush Hour movies but i guess they were pretty okay because if they werent, they shouldnt have been a third movie. i thought the movie was going to be funny. but it wasnt. in fact, the funniest part of the whole movie was probably when they played the outtakes right before the credits. and Chris Tucker was more whiny than funny. i felt like punching him right in the face throughout the movie. there was also this annoying lady with a freakish laugh in the audience with us. she made me not like the movie even more. luckily, the ticket price was cheap (student discount).

ive been listening to the songs-that-i-had-(downloaded and such)-but-never-listened-to for a few days now. it's alphabetically sorted and im only at J. a few recommendations: aqueduct, canadians, forty second songs, friends like these, fruit bats, ghosty, gibby haynes & his problem, her space holiday, his name is alive, house of fools, i see spots, illinois, ivy. okay, maybe that was more than just a few. oh, well.

a couple of days ago, a friend text message me saying her granddad passed away that very morning. she was on her way back home. for some reason, it broke me when i heard the news. after experiencing so many deaths around me this past year, i think i've gotten pretty sensitive about this subject. i met her granddad once - when i visited (and had dinner) at her place last june. he was deaf in one ear, so you sort had to shout at him for him to listen. his hearing was gone when he was young, when he tried to save someone from drowning. i also remember him being very superstitious. he seem healthy then (when we visited), so i myself was surprised by the news.

i would have called her but i seriously didn't know what to say. i was never any good with words so having a situation like that would make me even worse. so i thought carefully and text her back. i hope her family is dealing fine...

believe what you want but there are no happy endings.

Different Names For The Same Thing

2007-08-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

somehow, everything i did today seems like i did in autopilot. i finished my essay and my report. it's 2am now. but if you ask me anything about it i probably can't tell you any. it's weird. i don't even know how i did it. my eyes are shutting down and my head feels really light. but im glad cause now i can concentrate on the more important things. if i can start remembering what they are, that is.

i hit the back of my left foot to some pointy metal thing (dont ask how...) sometime just now and i swear, my heart skipped a beat, literally it did (or at least felt like it). i really thought i was dying for 1 insane second.

last night, i was browsing through the songs i have in my laptop and realized that there are about 300 songs that i haven't listened to. not once. and i dont even know how they sound like. mostly are live recordings, songs recommended by music blogs and artists i found from sites like download.com

i read some of my past entries out of boredom a couple days ago and realized that i often leave some words out. words i meant to write but unconsciously left out. maybe i should start proof-reading what i write now.

then there's tomorrow. tomorrow, i'll know if im chosen to join the college futsal team or not. im not hoping that bad, but it would be pretty nice to be a team member.

the title of this post is the song i'm listening to right now.

this is a really random post. i just needed to get these things out of my head.

my head's too tired to think for one

2007-08-13T01:22:00.000+08:00

Remember the internet thing that I mentioned a few post back? Well, I got it. In fact, I'm in my room at 1 in the morning, surfing the net. Which is a new thing for me. And it's a pretty good feeling.

How and when I got it? Well, that I would rather forget about. Because the process was long, the people were stupid and I wasted a lot of time and money (I had to call them several times). Thinking about it makes me mad, so I don't think I'll write about it. What I will be writing is a complain letter to Maxis. Once I find the time to, that is.

This week is going to be a pretty busy week. So, I don't think I'll get to use this as much as I want to. 1 paper to submit on Tuesday, 1 report on Wednesday, 2 test papers on Thursday and possible futsal practice sessions every night. It's only 1 am on Monday, and I can't wait for this week to end already.

The weekend was also pretty boring. I spent most of it with my books. What some may call studying. I don't really know what studying means but I guess if it involves books, it's studying. I just sat for a test about 6 hours ago. Management paper, not that you wanted to know or anything. It was alright, I guess. Won't be having my hopes too high though. Hopes normally get crushed if you put them too high.

The most interesting thing that happened during the weekend was probably when I was people watching from my window. Watching someone tripped and laughed without her knowing. Yeah, it wasn't the most ethical thing to be doing, but I was bored and that amused me.

I also spent the weekend with an upset stomach. In fact, it still is pretty mad at me now. Why? I don't know. And I haven't got anything to fix it. Only them so-called miracle pills (which you will probably only know if you're a blood-relative of mine).

Oh and I also broke my only mug on Saturday. The mug. Which is basically used for drinking hot, warm, cold drinks, soup, noodles, everything. My table was messy (remember the books?) so I temporarily put it on my chair. Then I stupidly forgot that it was there and lift the chair to a 45 degree angle to fix the carpet on the floor and it shattered into pieces. I don't really use the mug that much but still.. now I can't drink anything hot or warm stuff anymore. Well, until I buy a new one anyway. Which I probably won't because I'm cheap.

It wasn't a very good weekend. Am hoping the next one will be better (but not hoping too much).

the imaginary fire

2007-08-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

There was a fire drill this morning. It was supposed to be a surprised but everyone sort of already knew about it because the zone leaders (it’s like a dorm here) were like pasting notes and such and everyone was talking about it already anyway. We just didn’t know what time it was actually happening.

I slept at about 12.30am. I was studying pretty damn hard perfecting the 8 Chinese words my Mandarin class lecturer told us to learn. She said there was going to be a spelling test. And being part Chinese, I knew I just had to ace it (which I did, by the way. I even got a little star, which made me feel like in kindergarten but it still was pretty awesome). So, all I did was re-write those 8 simple words for more than 2 hours. Earlier that night, there was this futsal practice session. I’m hoping to represent the college this semester, so been having such session everyday since last Monday. What I’m trying to say is, it was a pretty tiring night.

At 4am, there was this weird ringing sound. It was loud enough to wake both me and my room-mate up. I set my alarm each morning and never wakes up to it. The ringing was really loud, I guess this morning. Then, someone knocked on the door. I heard the same knocking sound to the door in the room in front of us. And some other more knocks like that was heard. We got up. Tried to switch on the lights, but can’t. They cleverly switched off the main power. I suddenly had the urge to pee real badly. But the toilet lights were also dead and I didn’t really want to go there alone when everyone else is going downstairs… So, I fought it. Still sleepy-eyed, went out, locked the door, and followed the existing line to the parking area where everyone else was at.

Everyone was sleepy, yawning, complaining about the lack of sleep, and walking pretty damn slow despite the imaginary fire happening in the building. The sleeping clothes, the stale-taste in the mouth, the half-shut eyes and the sleep that was around us all. It was the best thing in the word, definitely.

Then a security guard was yelling at us when the fire truck came.

“Give way! Give way! Move! Move!”

He was yelling unnecessary to a bunch of kids who were pretty much pissed off at the moment. Some of them were still in the building, slowly making their way down. Then the security guard said to no one in particular, sort of hoping for an answer.

“Do you see them walking? Walking that slow. Imagine if there was a real fire. What would happen then, huh? What would happen?”

He sort of emphasized the second question.

“Shut up, bastard. Would you fucken laugh at a fucken imaginary clown at fucken 4 in the morning?! Huh?! Would YOU?!”

Of course, I didn’t actually say that. No one did. Instead of saying anything, everyone near that guy (myself included) started moving inches and inches slowly away from him. Security guards are known as big perverts around here. He was also the only guy there, at the back of the crowd. The rest were sleepy-eyed girls.

We were told to just sit stand and wait around there while the so-called leaders counted who was there and who wasn’t. We were only released about 30 minutes later. And the firemen didn’t even do anything! All they did was drive into the area with their trucks and that was it. No imaginary fire, no trying to put out imaginary fire, no nothing. My college is really good at wasting time.

When it was over, I went back to bed hoping to wake up 2 hours later. My first class was at 8.

I woke up at 7.50. Figured it was too late anyway and went back to bed. I woke up again at 9.15.

Only 6 people attended the class that morning. All the “fire drill people” were absent that morning.

from Tuesday

2007-08-09T23:06:00.000+08:00

[Note: I wrote this a long, long time ago. Was too busy to go online the past few days. Oh well, better late than never.]

My room-mate is on her bed. She’s lying flat on her back, maybe on her sides. I'm not looking. She's talking on her cell phone, hiding behind the huge teddy bear which I suspect is a gift from her current love interest. She's making weird noises. She's talking in a whisper. I'm not too sure if she's laughing quietly or she's crying. And I'm too scared to look. I don't talk to her much anyway. But she's bothering me pretty much by doing whatever it is that she’s doing that I had to write about it. And no, she's not this room-mate. She's a new one and a year younger.

Sometimes during the weekends, I go to my sister's place and stay there. It's much nicer there, with the air-conditioning and the bigger room, the own toilet and of course, the free food. Normally, if we go eat at some mamak stall or some fast food outlet, she’ll pay. It’s a big sister thing, I guess. I don’t know why but she’ll pay. I’m too broke to pay most the time anyway. If we go someplace fancier, than the plastic would do all the work.

My sister’s place is really near Sunway Lagoon. I mean, so ridiculously near, you can practically listen to the bands playing during concerts and such. I’m not even kidding. It’s the clearest in the bathroom. The sound, I mean. Just the other day, I heard a pretty good live version of the song Itu Kamu by local band Estranged. It was pretty good. If I closed my eyes, it felt like I was actually there. Well, minus the sweat, the pushing around and the crowd, of course. Sometimes, I just like to sit in the bathroom and listen to them talk. Whatever it is they’re talking about. The sound system is really good, that I have to say. When the Pussycat Dolls played there, my sister said she heard them sing and talk and all. I thought that was pretty cool.

Last weekend, something extra special happened. I have no idea what the event was but the Prime Minister was there, making a speech. So, yeah, I’ve never seen him or anything but at least I can say that I heard him live. I mean like live live, not on the radio or television or some taped show or something. Yeah, I know. Nothing to be proud of or anything but I thought the idea was nice. How many of you can actually say that? That you heard him talk. Well, not exactly to you, but still… It’s the same thing. Sort of.

And later that night, something new happened. Well, it was new to me and my sister, I’m not representing the people who’s been living in that area for the past 10 years or so. Anyway, the something new was… fireworks. They had fireworks! Which you normally see maybe only 3 times a year – New Year’s Day, Independence Day Celebration and Chinese New Year.

So, that was pretty new. I pity those people trying to sleep though. Because it was late and the fireworks didn’t go on for only 5 minutes or less, it went on for about 15 minutes, I think. Maybe more. It was beautiful. But a little too long. I even captured a few photographs using my cheap but reliable digital camera.

Then my sister said that the fireworks reminded her of an episode of 30 Rock. When they started fireworks and the people in New York thought it was a terrorist attack or something. 30 Rock is probably one of the funnier TV shows that I enjoy watching.

Anyway, I think that if the Prime Minister wasn’t there that night, they probably wouldn’t have lit up the fireworks. I mean, they obviously did it just to impress him. Somehow, it makes me feel a little sad thinking about it. The things we do just to impress certain people… it’s pretty sad, really. And yet, we do them anyway.

To Be Continued… Immediately.

2007-08-06T14:45:00.000+08:00

Watched The Simpsons Movie last Friday with my sister. Being a fan of the cartoon, I was actually afraid that the movie version won’t deliver. That it won’t be funny and you know, just be disappointing. Like the Spongebob movie. When the 30mins cartoon version is hilarious, the movie version of Spongebob wasn’t funny at all.

I haven’t read the reviews or anything so I didn’t know what to expect for this one. Which was sort of a good thing, I guess. I was in for a surprise. Or maybe the lack of it. I didn't know at that time.

A few minutes before the show began, we got into the half empty theater, a Chinese couple to my left, my sister to my right and a dad with his 4 small kids (or maybe his kid and the kid’s 3 friends. I wouldn’t know) on her right. And a lot of school kids everywhere else in that hall. The crowd was okay, I guess. They laughed at all the right jokes. Except for one of the gay jokes, they went “Euwww…” I found myself laughing at that same joke. It reminded me of Brokeback Mountain.

10 minutes in, I was actually tired of laughing. I was afraid they couldn’t keep the (joke) pace. Surprisingly, they did. In fact, I was mostly laughing until the end of the show. It was good, I thought. The movie was good. If you’re a fan of the cartoon and you haven’t watched it yet, I suggest you go and see it. Promise, it’s good. (It was either that or I was deeply influenced by the crowd.)

Before the movie, we had lunch in this somewhat fancy Italian restaurant, Itallianies. We sat down, given the menu and after a few minutes, were ready to order. The waiter’s name was Mark. He had a nametag, I can read.

Mark: Yes, ready to order?
Sister: Yeah. I’d like a spaghetti with meatballs and this lasagna thing (she didn’t exactly said lasagna thing, I forgot what the name was on the menu).
Mark: Oo.. they have wine in this lasagna thing. Mixed together. Can’t do it any other way. Always mixed together. (We don’t do alcohol. Not even a little bit. That’s us.)
Sister: Ookay. Then..
(A little discussion between us)
Sister: We’ll have this pizza then. Classic Pizza. And the spaghetti with meatballs.
Mark: Ohh.. no.. no.. I don’t think you can finish that. The serving is big. For 3 to 4 people. No no.. Too large. Too big. No.
Sister: (Looks at Mark dumbfounded. Then asked me if I still wanted to eat at the place)

Never in my life a waiter ever questions the food we’re ordering. That Mark must really want to get fired. What he had in mind was for us to just order the spaghetti and share and have nothing else. Maybe we dressed like we had no money. Maybe we have poor faces. I don’t know what prompted him to do that. He was being really stupid and really rude, insulting us like that.

In the end, we decided to just eat there and insist on having both. What’s the fun of going someplace and sharing just one meal? And I was so pumped up in trying to prove him wrong, I was seriously thinking about finishing the whole thing. No matter how big the portion was.

We couldn’t finish it though. 3 slices of pizza remained untouched at the end of the meal. Oh well, at least we got what we wanted.

We’re probably never going there anymore. The food wasn’t as good as I expected and the service was really bad. Itallianies, if you start losing your customers, blame Mark. He made us do it.

Just another Number

2007-08-03T09:28:00.000+08:00

I'm both pissed and happy at the same time today. I'm pissed because the stupid people at Maxis Broadband is telling me that I have to wait another 3-freakin-week before I can get my internet. I'm happy because I finally had the guts to make an adult-like phone call. In fact, I made two. I was on a roll.

For some weird reasons, I was always afraid of talking on the phone. I would only pick it up if it's really necessary. And I never make phone calls just because I wanted to talk to someone. The last time I did that was probably a long, long time ago. I must have been real bored. I only call my mom when I'm low on cash, my sister if I need a place to stay for the weekend, home if I can't get mom on the cell and friends if I have something really important to ask and I need to know the answer right away. If it's not that important, I probably would text them and wait until they reply. Or email. I don't mind the waiting.

So, when I made that phone call today, I was rather proud of myself, knowing that I had smashed the rock-hard, thick, invisible wall that has been obstructing me all this while. I know it sounds really stupid, but I was rather proud. Not that I went around telling people about it, I was just smiling weirdly alone thinking about it. The act of me calling the operator of some company made me proud. The real conversation (if you could even call it that) however, was rather disappointing.

"Hello, Maxis Broadband?"
"Yes, this is Jason speaking (I think he said this. I'm not too sure. He spoke English with a visible Malay accent. I may have heard his name wrong. Maybe he was saying something else.). Who am I speaking to? Sir?"
"Er, yeah, I'm calling about the broadband thing. I registered about two weeks ago.. bla.. bla.. bla.."
Rather annoyed, he repeated his question, "Who am I speaking to sir?"
"My name is *******."
"Christopher?"
"No. *******" I was almost shouting at that point. Then I continued to spell out my
own name. He thought I said Christopher. I do not have a boy's name. Idiot.

The conversation continued, me asking, he telling me to hold (which I did), he came back on sounding a little surprised that I did hold, he said some shit that I didn't want to hear and me saying thanks and then the phone call was over. He wasn't very helpful or friendly or nice. And he kept switching from calling me Sir to Ma'am to Miss. I guess he was really confused but I was way too tired to correct him. Well, I gave him my freakin name! How could he not know whether I'm male or female?! I don't even have one of those unisex names like Cameron or Chris or Tracey. My name is obviously the female version of a male name (whatever that meant).

I was pissed. From just listening to the way he talked and from the information he gave me. I waited patiently for two weeks for the internet. Now, he's saying I have to wait some more. Apparently, they only processed the papers like 3 days ago. I'm thinking about canceling the whole thing and find a new service provider. Which I will, soon enough. Maybe tomorrow. Or the day after. Or sometime next week. Whenever, but I will.

After I hung up, something inside me felt different. The anger was probably the most obvious thing but I also felt something else. Having made that phone call, I felt somewhat invincible. I felt like I can do anything I want in this world. I felt like I can handle another call. So, I called my bank. 2 months ago, I forgot my password to my online account and after 3 failed tries, it got suspended. I haven't been online shopping because of that.

I dialed and after following a lot of instructions, was connected to this Indian lady who was so much nicer than the previous guy. I knew she was Indian from her accent. It wasn't a thick Indian accent but I can tell pretty well. She asked a lot of questions though. And I almost give her my pin number. She was pressing me, what was I supposed to do?

"Do you remember your E-Pin?"
"Er.. No?" I had no idea what an e-pin was at the time
"The number you use on your atm"
"Oh. Yeah."
"Do you remember it?"
I hesitated a little but then I started to say it, "*..."
Almost immediately she said, "No, you don't have to tell me that."

Lucky, she was a pretty decent person. I could have lost 5 months of allowance if she was a con or something. And why the hell did I (almost) give it out in the first place? I have no idea. I'm naive, I'll admit to that. Normally, someone else (read: my mom) do these things for me. At least I know that this won't happen again. The giving out valuable information part.

Then she un-suspend my account and told me some more instructions. I said thanks, she said thanks and it was over.

I know to you people out there it may just sound like two stupid phone calls. But to me, it's so much more than that. It's about not being afraid anymore, it's about growing up.

Normally, I just give my share of cash and my brother or either one of my two sisters would do it. But since I've finally got over calling strangers on the phone, I just might do it next time.

Yes, I think I finally have the guts to call the pizza delivery guy.

everything happens for a reason

2007-08-01T13:14:00.000+08:00

I'm reading Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs right now. Been reading little by little since last Sunday. It's pretty good so far, it's funny. It made me smile a lot. I try not to laugh out loud when I'm reading, I try not to scare other people. Also, I've only notice that on the cover, the hand has 6 fingers, including the thumb.

My brother just went through a minor surgery a few days ago. He's doing alright now, I guess. He's at home. Apparently the stupid doctor in that stupid hospital in Johor didn't do much of job to fix his broken finger. He told mom about it, went back home, went to another doctor and this new doctor said he would need an operation if he wants his finger to be normal again (He couldn't bend the finger). So, he did. The boy was on anesthetic though, so he probably didn't feel any pain or anything when the docs worked on his finger. He gets another week at home because the doc needs to check on the finger after a week. Maybe I should break something, I might end up spending one month at home.

One of the things I don't like hearing (yeah, I don't seem to like a lot of things) is when someone complains about being so bored at home during some long holiday, they could die. I would give anything to be on holiday and be at home. It would take a very, very long time for me to get bored when I'm at my most comfortable place on earth. One of the best holidays I had was the one right after SPM, when I spent almost half a year doing nothing at home. I didn't get a job like most people did (Actually, I had one. Distributing papers for some college, for only one day. But that was more like a favour than a job, really.) I just stayed at home, hung out with people and did other meaningless things. It was great fun. A lot of people were complaining that they had nothing to do and all that shit. Then when school starts, they start thinking about what to do on the next long holiday, counting each day until it comes. Which is basically hypocrisy. I hate it when people say they have nothing to do during the holiday when really, it's the only time of the year they look out for.

Apparently, the 3-year-old kid at home is so very bored having none of us older kids to play around with, she's been asking me (and my sister, and my brother before he went back home) when we're coming back home. I think it's the cutest thing ever. Mom would call and she'll be there in the background yelling, "se mo ckp! se mo ckp!" which basically means she wants to talk to us on the phone. And then the first thing she'll ask is when we're coming back home. Cute. But heart-breaking at the same time.

I miss home even more now.

If You Asked Me To, I Would.

2007-07-30T12:16:00.000+08:00

I couldn't sleep at all last Friday's night. I really wanted to badly because I knew that Saturday was going to be a long day. I couldn't. I keep imagining death and beings from the Other world. I went to bed at about 1am. Didn't fall asleep until maybe 4am, woke up about 8am. I was Darren Shan earlier that day. Maybe I shouldn't be reading his books if I plan on having a good night sleep.

Saturday, initially planned to watch the Transformers movie but the early show was full and the friends I was with didn't want to watch the later one, they had other plans later in the evening. Everyone who has seen it said it was really good. I really wanted to go watch but the weekend's over and I'm too lazy to go around town on weekdays. Oh well, guess I just have to wait for the DVD or for someone to illegally download it or something.

Later on Saturday, went to the airport to meet up with Meryl. Estimated arrival time was 8PM. I was already there by 6PM. To kill time, went to Burger King, ate and sat there reading the August issue of SPIN magazine. It was about half pass 8 when she came out. Then she told me some other friends of hers were there too. Waiting. With a car. Taking her some place else.

So, two of her friends (one was Indian, one was Chinese, just so you can imagine.) from her old college came and I went with the group, reluctantly but what else could I do? The (Indian) parents were in the car. Their car. Brought us to Sepang and to their home. Then the 4 of us went out for dinner (I was already really full that time, but it would be rude to refuse. I didn't have to pay for this one though. Dinner was on them.) and walked around the area a bit.

I'm pretty sure her (Meryl) friends found it really strange how opposite we both are. I'm pretty sure they were half-expecting a loud, friendly, funny kid to be this kid they only know (until last night) as Meryl's friend. Too bad all they got was me - quiet, hostile and really awkward. I'm worse when I'm with a bunch of people I haven't met before. They were really nice though. Super nice, in fact. My actually plan was to spend the night at the airport after Meryl gets on her plane. Then, they said I should stay with them the night. It'll be safer and all. Besides, the other friend (the Chinese) was going home the next morning and we can both get on the commuter together. I really didn't want to because it'll be awfully awkward and I just suck at socializing but they were all like looking at me and making me nervous and all so I said okay. Saying no to an invitation like that would make me seem like an a-hole much worse than the one I already made me look like. I wasn't talking much. I'm ridiculously shy around new people. Ask old friends. Ask them their first impressions of me. 4 out of 5 would say that they thought I was arrogant and hostile.

Anyway, we drove back to the airport at about 2am. And the unexpected happened. The flight was delayed. And guess this, for 8 freakin hours! They had to change the planes and all other shit and all. I'm still not sure if Meryl would make her connecting flight from Heathrow to Edinburgh but hopefully she does (edit: she didn't. she emailed me from Heathrow. but the nice people there arranged some other things for her. so all is good.). If she doesn't, then hopefully, the airport people would arrange something for her, so she wouldn't have to pay for another ticket. Money doesn’t simply grow on trees, you know.

To be honest, I was sort of relieved that the flight was delayed. At least I know I won't have to spend the night with two strangers. Nice strangers but still, I won't feel comfortable there. I know, selfish thoughts.

In the end, they gave her a hotel room to compensate for the delayed flight. And not just any hotel, a 5-star hotel! The Pan-Pacific in KLIA. That, I must say was pretty awesome. The two friends went back and I stayed the night with her.

From planning to just sleep on some random airport chair to sleeping in a very nice air-conditioned room with fluffy pillows and a huge Samsung flat-screen TV and comfortable bed and get this, a foot massager! The night didn't turn out to be so bad. Not bad at all.

Woke up after maybe 3 hours of sleep, went back to the departure hall, had breakfast and finally, parted ways. She went through the gates and me back to my old life. I made it really quick because I hate goodbyes. I hate being left behind. That's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. We hugged, said goodbye and I almost immediately left. I was really afraid to look back. But I did anyways, for a little while. Then continued my lonely journey back to college.

The friends and other people was saying like how nice I was to be doing this shit and they were pitying me for staying at the airport for such a long time and all but you know, I'm not really that nice and I despise self-pity.

I’m just a friend. I'm just doing what a friend should.

this is weird

2007-07-30T11:55:00.000+08:00

I was tagged a very long time ago by Rambler to do this meme. I think I'm supposed to write 8 weird things about me. And so here's 8. At least 8 that I could come up with...

I collect (wooden) pencils and never use them. I only use mechanical pencils when in class.
I used to read the dictionary (to kill time) during my final 2 years in high school (I was in a boarding school. Entertainment was limited) but didn't started reading books as a hobby until high school was over.
I like to smell my food before I put them in my mouth. Especially those I've never tasted before. And I never noticed that I do that until a friend told me so a few years ago. She asked me why I was always doing that.
I like to go to class early (like 15 minutes early) so I can listen to music alone in the empty lecture hall (on my mp3). It's relaxing but I'm guessing a little weird because most people like to go to class late (most of the people here at least).
The first thing I do after some random stranger ask me for direction in some random street is check my pockets and see if anything is missing. I guess I watched way too much TV growing up.
When I was 6, the kids in my kindergarten class thought I was mute because I refused to talk to anyone. The teachers never asked me questions in class, which was sort of a good thing.
When I was a kid, I had a slight phobia of sounds. I once refused to eat in this restaurant because they hung this traditional instrument on the wall that I was so afraid of. I was crying and all (or so I was told, I don't remember it very well now.). To tell the truth, I'm still a little bit scared of it, of certain sounds. My whole body would go cold for a minute or two then I have to talk to my head into thinking that it's okay. That everything's going to be fine. And then it's okay. Nobody knows about this, but my heart would beat like crazy (not in a good way) every time before music class (we had them until we were about 11, I think). I especially hate it when we had to play the drums. What's weird is the fact that music is a huge part of my life now. The fear is still there but I've gotten a lot better at controlling it. People probably won't believe me if I tell them I'm afraid of sounds. That's why I never really tell anyone about it. They wouldn't believe me if I did. I learned to deal with it instead (some people are afraid of bright lights. Would you believe them if they told you so? Maybe, but you'll also think they're crazy and really weird. It wasn't a choice, you know. Trust me, I know.).
When I'm around a group of people I don't know and someone ask me even just a simple question, my mind will go blank and I'll start talking nonsense. The other day we had this sort of big dinner, with the whole college attending and my friend asked me to save a seat for her. I said okay. Then two kids came and sat there. All I had to say was that the seat was taken. I couldn't even say those words. I started saying things like, "excuse, er.. chair.. people.. this chair.. got people." Shit that don't any make sense. The two kids left after giving me a somewhat weird look. I didn't tell the friend about it but I felt stupid the rest of the night. Then just the other day, a friend casually asked me how I was, but we were in a pretty crowded place and I wasn't feeling too comfortable and I uttered some completely useless words. I was saying like, "how was I? how am I? Oh.. Okay. Okay la." Then, I walked away. She must think I'm a complete A-hole. Which I probably was that time. But when I'm alone, in a comfortable surrounding and someone asks me something, I could speak alright. At least complete sentences. I suck at small talk. I have to admit that.

I'm tagging anyone who's interested in doing this. I don't really like to choose, you see.

P.S: This is my first also. Rambler, I think you know what I mean =)

Miss Misery

2007-07-25T10:54:00.000+08:00

You know what I hate? I hate giving people false hope. And yet, I do it a lot. It makes me feel guilty for a day or two then I try to not think about it anymore. But it's not something I enjoy doing. Sometimes, it just happens...

The other day, my friend was around. I told her maybe we should meet up if my evening class was cancelled or something. She was at the airport, which was about 2 hours (by public transport, since I don't drive) from where I was. She would be there the whole night, waiting for a collegue of hers, who was on a much later flight (later as in 24 hours or so later.). I wanted to go because we're friends and well, that's what friends do. I didn't want to go because the ride was long and it was pretty expensive.

In the end, I didn't go. My class was cancelled. And I still think about it, even today. I don't know. I just feel bad about it. For not keeping my so-called word. I didn't promise her or anything, I just said I'd come and stay a while. I didn't.

This Saturday, another one of my friends is coming. This one is bound to Scotland. She'll land at the airport here (from home) at about 9 at night. She'll have to wait about 6 hours before the flight to the UK departs. I'm thinking about keeping her company because, well, that's what friends do. Besides, the next time we'll see each other again would probably be sometime in 2008. Maybe later. I don't know. And that's a long, long time, you know. And I have a few days to really think about this. I only had a few hours to think on the last one.

Trivial stuff like this makes my head hurts. I really need to learn how to relax more.

That Don't Work That Well For Us

2007-07-24T12:15:00.000+08:00

My left eye has been twitching a lot lately. And I'm pretty superstitious this way. I just hope nothing bad is going to happen. Even if something does, let's just hope it's not too bad.

One of the best advice given to me was one by my English lecturer back in 2005, when I first started my college. He said something like this, "If someone asks you something, never say I don't know. Even if you truly have no clue what they want, make something up." After he said that, I try to follow that rule, in my academic world anyways. I don't bother so much when I'm having conversations with family, friends or just random people I happen to meet. I tend to say that just to shut them up sometimes. I not the most talkative person in the world, apparently.

Anyway, last week, I had to do this little presentation. I was the last one and had only about 10 minutes to do it. And my class isn't very patient and all so I had to make it quick so not to lose their attention (by my turn, everyone was thinking about what to have for lunch...). So, made it quick and then it was the lecturer's turn to ask me questions. To test if I understand or not. And to tell the truth, I only know a little about the subject I was presenting. Guess I didn't look too convincing either. So, he asked me a question and my head went blank (I actually read it the night before but completely forgotten about it the minute he asked!) and I hesistated a little then I said, "If you ask me tomorrow maybe I can answer." I had no idea who said that. But those words came out of my mouth! Then the lecturer laughed. I'm not too sure why. And surprisingly, everyone started laughing and cheering (my class is weird that way. they like to clap hands and cheer. we get very little entertainment in class, i guess. the littlest things amuses us.). That, to be honest, felt pretty good. Hey, at least I know they were listening.

I've also been spending a lot of time typing recently. One case report and one essay. And a lot of skimming through pdf files. Because I don't really read them, just take any sentence or facts that I think is important and then make it my own. Not the best thing to be doing, but it's either that or copy/paste. Plagiarism is a bad, bad thing, you know. And yet, a lot of kids still do it. I'm trying to not be one of those kids who do. Because I know how bad it would feel to have someone else claiming they did what you did. I do it sometimes also.. but only when I'm really, really desperate.

This is really off topic, but I think I need to stop buying those expensive magazines (I bought 3 *(about) RM20 (which is pretty expensive for my standard) mag the past week!) just because I can. It's beginning to suck me dry.

Suddenly, Everything has Changed

2007-07-20T10:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I really don't like Locke for making his own desicions. He's real selfish like that. I don't like that.

I was supposed to have two classes today. Both were cancelled and I only knew that they were a few hours before the supposed classes. Lucky I asked, if not I would have gone to an empty classroom (which I once did, back in 2006).

So I spend (almost) the whole day watching season 3 of Lost. A friend gave me the episodes last week (this is why networking is so important in college. the more people you know, the more stuff you can get for free. it's true, you know. ). And since I was so free today, I decided to kill time by watching the episodes. I still have about 6 to go. I'll finish it up during the weekend.

To be honest, I've only watched a couple of episodes of season 1 and fewer of season 2. But I like the concept of the show so it was easy for me to get into it. It's a good show, Lost. Too bad so many had to die (but fewer deaths compared to Prison Break, which got worse after the first season). Not that I didn't want to see it when it actually played on TV, it's because I don't have a TV here. I'm too cheap to get a TV.

Oh and I also finally got off and did that internet thing I wanted to do for so long but kept procrastinating, well, until yesterday, of course. I got on a taxi and a few trains to go to the Maxis Centre in KLCC. Long ride but worth it I guess. Unfortunately, I have to wait another 2 weeks before I can get it to work. It's the fastest they can go. Slow, I know, but guess I just have to deal with it. Besides, I already waited for 2 years, how much difference can 2 weeks make?

Also, the server in school is not allowing me to go on a few blogs that I frequent. It sucks, obviously because I'm such a busybody but I'm dealing fine. The worse is probably not being able to go on my current favourite blog, this. I could try and figure out the problem but I haven't got that much time to kill sitting in the IT lab. Besides, this semester is more like an essay writing semester for me (Read: busy. But then again, every semester is.). I have two due next week. And a lot of reading before I can get it done with.

Sometimes, when I see school kids still in their uniform happily discussing school-related things, I just smile to myself. They have no idea what's coming.

Time is of the Essence

2007-07-17T09:23:00.000+08:00

It's only been about a week in and already I have to prepare for a presentation tomorrow! Unfortunately, I was one of the 4 unlucky kids to have to do this 5% presentation tomorrow. I was laughing when my friend's name got called out and then the lecturer continued to call out my name. Karma.

I haven't got a clue what I'm even supposed to talk about. The topic is space-division multiple access (Communication's a boring subject...). And no, I haven't a clue what that is either. But not to worry, I have tonight to figure that out. And hopefully convince the other people tomorrow that I know what the hell that is.

I still have to deal with this internet thing too. Have yet to register for a line or anything. It's mostly because of time. I haven't got much of that. I really need to do that, soon.

school

2007-07-12T10:52:00.000+08:00

As you may (or may not) notice, I haven't been able to write much. Well, it's mostly because I'm back in college. And the first week is always a pretty busy week. With all the unpacking to do, the getting-used-tos, the tiredness I get from the long walks (I haven't got a car or a bike, I depend entirely on my own two feet, sometimes the bus), the you know, the new kid feel. So basically what I'm trying to say is, I haven't been able to get hold of the internet for the last couple of days. Mostly because my college does not provide it and I haven't got a nice phone from which I can surf the net.

But I'm thinking about getting one. (An internet line, not a new phone cause I never really use my phone anyways.) Am trying to get a few people in to trust me in this so I wouldn't have to pay the whole deal. Hah. Then, all I need is a router and share the thing with a couple of people. It'll be a whole lot cheaper that way. And I'll be a whole lot happier. Well we'll see. Maybe I'll try to get that done next week.

I'm just waiting for this first week to end. Fast. Then, it'll be somewhat normal again.

The Midlands, South and Back: A Photolog

2007-07-07T00:07:00.000+08:00

This was my bed for 12 days. It's an inflatable bed. So it had the 80's water bed feel to it.

A GPS thingy (AKA tomtom) in the beat-up Ford my brother-in-law drives. It's quite normal there but honestly, I was pretty excited when I saw it the first time. We haven't got things like this here at home.

My sister made this. A lot of experimenting which we never actually do at home.

A very old Gorilla.

A really old rock.

No, this is not the real deal. It's plastic. Or something.

Dinosaur prints - or so the story goes...

One side sun's shining like hell, the other side really cloudy, almost raining.

Raining in Birmingham. The sun was just shining a couple of minutes before I snapped this one.

When we went to Birmingham to stay with an aunt and her family, the first thing that came to mind was the fact that I get to sleep on a bed. A real bed.

Fruit picking in Essingdon Fruit Farm. You can't see it but it was actually raining. Pretty badly.

Strawberry-picking in the rain.

Just to make it a little more obvious, they had to put that strawberry sign there.

We didn't get these green ones.

These are the smaller ones.

I swear I threw this one out! I think.

Raspberries

This was where all the mud was from.

Flowers for sale. We didn't get any though.

Plenty of lovely strawberries despite the rain - Not so true.

The pigs in the farm. A few seconds after I had this photo taken, Pig A (the one on the right) started to pee with Pig B going for a drink (the pee). It wasn't the best thing to be seeing.

These strawberries were hand-picked, by us.

I went shopping with my shoes looking like this. And my pants were a little muddy too. It wasn't too bad.

View from Bullring, Birmingham.

This was the bag I brought with me to England. It was ripped apart after 16 hours of traveling. I've only had it for 1 year too. Too bad. I got me a new, better bag in Swindon for about 60 quid.

Someone tear my puke bag on the flight back home. Luckily I'm not the type to get air-sickness. It wouldn't be too pretty if I were.

The flight back home. The view was nice.

The most visited room during my 2-week stay.

I was given £xxx for my 2-week vacation. After the first week, all I had left was 1/5 of that. Mom later gave us an extra £xx because, well, I'm believing it was because she loves us. This is all I've left on the last day.

Most of my cash went to DVDs and CDs

A limited edition Tegan and Sara Walking With a Ghost 7" vinyl I got from a store (Virgin Records, I think) in London. No, I haven't got a vinyl record player and yes, it's probably going to stay unplayed for a very, very long time.

will this so-called adulthood change me?

2007-07-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

My brother broke one finger yesterday. Not really, it was broken yesterday, he only knew this morning because the finger (his pinky, actually) was swollen and was hurting or something. He was playing rugby when it happened and was given a 2-week sick leave. Mom's saying maybe he should come back home, Dad's saying no. Maybe I should try and break something now just to spend more time at home.

This incident actually reminded me of something that happened way back. Back when we were kids, I accidentally kicked my brother's nose (don't ask how). He claimed I broke it. I didn't. But now that nose is prone to bleeding. His nose bleeding is pretty normal to us. We just go like "Oh, okay" and get on with life.

Anyway, with him breaking his finger, he's officially the first person out of us 4 (siblings) to have ever broken a bone. Even if it's just his pinky. We're extremely careful, I guess. And we're not exactly sporty, outdoors people. We're more book-reading, TV-watching, junk food-eating, indoor geeks. And I have only two visible scars on my body. One on my left elbow (I fell off my bike when I was 8 or 9. That bike was stolen a few months later. I never bought a bike after that one. I still know how to ride, though. I think.) and one on my right leg from playing futsal. I'm not exactly planning to have more.

Still on my brother, he's actually left for college when we were still in England. So we didn't exactly say goodbye or anything. But he's only gone off to the peninsular. I'm studying somewhere there too. So, I think it'll be pretty easy to go see him or anything. I don't think that'll happen very often though.

Also, today I officially turn into an adult. 21. Got a few cards, a phone call, some wishes, some cash and that's about it. I don't really like to make a big deal out of a birthday, I guess. It's like any other day except with a cake. At least I treat it like any other day. In fact, I rather spend it alone than with anybody. Man, I sound like a really sad person don't I? It's the writing. Trust me, I'm not this sad. I think.

But thanks to everyone who wished. I appreciate you wishing.

home

2007-07-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

I'm home. Finally. Safely, which is good. And lucky, I think. Because, about 6 hours after we got on that plane, this happened in Heathrow Airport. It happened in Terminal 4, we were in Terminal 3. But you never know how things like that could affect scheduled flights and all.

We got to the airport real early. Was already there about 6, 7am. I was sleeping most of the way so I don't really remember how long it took. But when we got nearer, you could see how tight the security was that day. There were guards walking around carrying rifles! Pretty scary, because they was a case when some idiotic guard shot this guy because he looked suspicious. That guy was a European man just waiting for his friend to come or something like that. He wasn't a terrorist. And unfortunately, he didn't survive the gun shot.

We got there, checked in our bags and found out that the bags we were supposed to check-in was 12 kilos over the limit (note to self: learn to travel lighter). 4 bags, had to un-check the lightest one hoping we could just hand carry it. That plan didn't work so well...

Apparently, we were only allowed one bag each. Including handbags and laptops. I had my laptop with me so I couldn't carry it. And my sister was carrying this other bag and her handbag. And then there's that 12 kilo bag with stuff in it. We did a bit of re-packing in some corner, (tried to) squeeze in every thing into my laptop bag and the other bag. That didn't work so well either.

Decided to test our luck and carry two bags each. Again, it didn't work so well. Were stopped and had to leave the 12 kilo bag in England. Some stuff were in it. I won't tell what though. So friends, if I didn't get you anything from England, don't blame me, blame the immigration. It was probably in that bag we left.

So the day didn't start too well. Everything was just chaotic and all. Fortunately, it got better. At least it did for 8 hours. Got on the plane and found out that it was nearly empty. Which was a good thing, by the way. So everyone moved around so they could each have a row to themselves. Better than having a very limited space to try to sleep and all. Got to Dubai (transit - about 15mins) and it went downhill from there.

The flight was packed when we got on again. Indonesians workers from Dubai. They got on the plane and I don't know why but were rushing, couldn't wait a minute to just get the bags in the overhead compartment and was making a hell lot of noise. It wasn't very nice. Very different from the London-Dubai flight.

And then there was this obnoxious guy sitting in the row in front of me. The girl in front of him had her seat reclined because she was trying to get comfy. And that guy started like pushing the chair and was like complaining and shit. He even had his legs up to the chair. Man, such childish behavior! I was embarrassed to have seen it happened. I was. And the same guy switched on his cellphone while the plane was still in mid-air. Can you actually do that? I don't know but the stewardess clearly stated that you can't at the beginning of the flight.

Okay to make this very long story short, the plane landed in Brunei, stayed there for about 3 hours, got on the same plane back to Kota Kinabalu and here I am.

I'm tired. I need to catch up on some sleep.

back to the place where I belong

2007-07-03T06:09:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be back home. It's a bittersweet thing, you know. I'm glad I'll be back home but I'll definitely miss some of the things here. Definitely. So, yeah, guess I have to admit how wrong I was at the beginning of the trip, when I thought coming here was a big mistake. That time, I wasn't in the mood for traveling and all I was thinking about was home. But now after two weeks, I feel I haven't had enough! Seriously, 2 weeks is not enough if you want to really experience England.

Then, there's the recent bomb scare in London. We were just in London last Thursday, the bomb-filled car was found on Friday. Lucky us, I guess. If not, we probably would have problems coming back the place I'm staying at, which is a good hour and a half away. Well, just hope that the scare won't affect our scheduled flight or anything. Heard they've tighten up the security at the airport and all. Not that I carry around anything dangerous with me or anything, but you never know, the delay and all. I just hope it'll be alright. I wouldn't want to be stranded at the airport or anything. And I definitely wouldn't want to spend my 21st birthday stranded at some airport in some foreign land. That wouldn't be too good.

Guess that's it. Now for some last minute packing (I never knew packing could be so hard even if it's just shoving everything into the bag until it fits. I even yelled at my sister because of it. Packing is stressful.) and catch on some sleep. I have about 4 hours to sleep before I leave for the airport.

Hope the airport will be good to us.

The London breakdown and other stories

2007-06-27T21:16:00.000+08:00

Did you know that more than 50% of us, humans, now live in cities? And the number will increase to 75% by 2050. Well, I'm assuming you all are saying no. Well, hell, neither did I. I learned that in Tate Modern. This huge museum in London displaying modern art and such. Went there last Sunday because I read somewhere that you just have to go there if you're in London. So, we went.

It was raining that day so it wasn't the best day to be in London because we had to walk around to get to places. But Tate Modern was incredible. I thought so anyways but my sister said it was damn boring. If you're not into arts and stuff, do not go in there. But I thought it was alright, interesting and all (to me at least). Unfortunately, the only artist I know of when I first entered the building was Pablo Picasso. Some of the drawings are pretty disturbing, hauntingly weird but some can be real nice to the eyes.

Basically that day we got lost in London trying to find our way to more, what my sister would say, interesting places (read: shops). It was raining, it was cold, I was hungry, we were lost and we were arguing a lot about which way to go. I can't read maps. I'll admit to that. I was never good at navigating (I led my friends to a few embarrassing turns when in college...). And when we reached the Underground (the tube station) it was closed (I forgot what for, I was too pissed to read the rest after reading "Sorry, we're closed...") so we had to walk to another station about 10-15min walk from there. Oohh.. that was probably the worst day I had in England. Ironically, it was in London. I was hoping for a better time in London.

Anyway, I think I'm just going to post pictures here. I'll maybe write a more detailed account when I've time. Pictures are of (a bit of) London (because I wasn't in the best of mood that day), of Swindon, of the famous Stonehenge and of Southampton.

Tate Modern - View from the Millennium Bridge

London - The City of Cranes

Guilt-Free Shopping in Swindon

Fish and Chips - You just have to eat this when in England.

The Oldest Tram in London, also the most reliable. (it only runs for like 8 minutes, from the jetty to town. Even if it's late, you can simply walk there.)

The Stonehenge - Up till this visit, I've always thought that the Stonehenge was located somewhere in Scotland. It's not. It's somewhere in the South of England.

In the dead cold air (it was really cold, I seriously thought my nose was bleeding. But then again, I'm from a tropical country. Maybe it wasn't that cold), this many people came just to see some old rocks. I was one of them.

The Lonesome Rock. Well, not really. I forgot the name of this rock. But it's part of the Stonehenge.

just thought this picture was pretty cool

Queen Mary II - I have no idea why this ship is famous but it is, apparently.

Weren't supposed to feed the pigeons.

They said don't feed the pigeons. Said nothing about seagulls though.

Okay, this has nothing to do with any of this. But well, I got this the other day. I initially wanted an iPod but after some serious considerations, I thought I'm just not a iPod kid. It's dead expensive (unless mom pays for it) and you have to use iTunes to sync it and stuff. I don't use iTunes. So, guess I'm sticking with Creative. Got it cheap and currently, it's my new favorite item.

Till next time, cheers.

(not so) Fond Farewell

2007-06-27T19:28:00.000+08:00

One of the few TV shows I still follow (I haven't been watching too much TV the past week. Well, it's pretty hard to do when you're traveling) is this reality show thing by Mark Burnett and Steven Spielberg, it's called On The Lot, if you don't already know.

So, this week, one of the director that I was rooting for, got voted out. That sucked. Jessica Brillheart got voted out and received probably one of the harshest comment ever for her short movie. Carrie Fisher said, and I quote, "That was my least favorite thing, next to adolescence and being left by a man for a man." Now, THAT's harsh. Click here if you want to see the exit interview.

Well, actually, I didn't exactly watched the full episode. Only watched director's shorts and whatever they have online that isn't the full episode. But to be really honest, her movie wasn't exactly the best of the bunch. Maybe she was just unlucky to be grouped with that bunch of directors. They were good. She just wasn't good enough, I guess.

Too bad she had to leave. I was secretly hoping that votefortheworst.com would vote for her. That didn't happen.

Now that she's gone, I've lost my young-female-with-not-much-experience-role-model...

Dammit, who am I supposed to look up to now?

Ashmolean, Michael and Rice

2007-06-24T05:44:00.000+08:00

This has been quite a week. I did a bit of sight-seeing, some walking, a little shopping and some more walking. It's been a tiring week, this. And I haven't even gone to London, yet. I'll be going there tomorrow though. Hopefully, I'll get to see more the "English" things/places. You know, the things that make you think of England. Red double-decker buses, the Big Ben, that guard guy with the big hat, you know, those kind of stuff.

Inside some cathedral (sorry, I'm not good with names)

The Ashmoleon Museum Entrance - The oldest museum in England

View from the Saxon Tower of St. Michael

Anyway, I've only been to the smaller cities so far. Spending mostly in this city I'm staying in. Gone to the oldest museum in Britain, the first building (tower) in Oxford, a Damien Rice show, Christ Church College (where Harry Potter was filmed) and err.. plenty of shops. Hah.

Oxford City High Street - view from The Saxon Tower

filming in progress. I forgot what movie.

Christ-Church College

But, what I would say, the highlight of last week was definitely the show I went to. Damien Rice. One word - Fantastic! I'm not exactly a big fan of his, I mean I know a few of his older songs (I'm sure everyone's heard of The Blower's Daughter) but I haven't a clue what his new album sounds like until a day before the show. I literally forced myself to listen to the new album. A spin or two later, I found myself actually enjoying his new album, 9.

The door was supposedly supposed to open at 7pm. It sort of did, but we weren't allow inside the theatre until 7.30. The real show didn't start until 8.30pm. So I did a lot of waiting on this one.Oh and he had no supporting act too.

He came in without much of an intro and just sat to play his piano. With just his piano and his vocals, he sang 9 Crimes beautifully. It was really good. Unfortunately, his singing partner (I don't know what her name is) quit the band or something so he had to do her parts with his voice too. He sang more songs from his new and old album before finally said something to the crowd. He's actually quite a funny guy. Told some stories about the songs he was singing and all.

Then there's the part where they played like 3 drums. That was good. The bass player got on his drum kit and played, the cellist got on her little drum kit and played and the drummer rocked hard. That was good. The cellist was really funny I thought, because she seemed really awkward with her kit and was playing really slow, barely audible even.

He (Damien Rice) got off the stage after a few more songs, came back for an encore and expectedly played The Blower's Daughter. Then a sommelier got up to the stage, served him 2 glasses of wine (the asked for a third but was rejected. hah.) and he smoked a couple cigarettes while singing the last two songs. He told some stories and got the crowd going.

The last song was Accidental Babies, and he ended the show the way he started it, with only him and his piano. That was good too.

Cameras weren't allowed in the venue but a few people brought them anyways. I wasn't one of them. The theatre people would come up everytime they catch you taking a picture or something. I did something else. I recorded the show with my mp3 player. But you know how life is, my batteries went weak after the first song, so the LED screen keeps lighting up and I had to move it so the theatre people couldn't see it. And I forgot where the mic was and at some point covered them with my fingers.

In the end, all I got were some crappy recordings.

What I heard:
To listen to the first minute of 9 Crimes, click here.
To listen to the first 2 minutes of The Blower's Daughter, click here*.
To listen to a few minutes of Accidental Babies, click here.

*Somehow, I can't upload this one. Maybe later...

who i am vs who i was

2007-06-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

When I was younger, my life was mostly about "why am I here", "why am I so different", about questions I don't know the answers to. I wasted so much time being angry at who I am, or rather, who I was, for not knowing the answers. But I guess, (almost) every teen goes through that phase in life. Teenage angst, it's normal, no? Some people grow out of it. Some people don't. And some may disagree, but I think I did, ironically enough, when I turned 20.

I turned 20 sometime last year. And honestly, I think mentally, I grew more last year than I did any other year. I had my first trip outside of Asia last year (good), I had my first nephew last year (good), I lost the same nephew later in the year (bad) and had some other things happened. Guess that year was like a roller coaster ride of sorts.

And in the end, with everything happening, the angst just sort of went away. I began to have a new perspective of life. Instead of being angry at everything and everyone, I began to accept things the way there are. I know, I know life is never fair, you win some, lose some. In my case, perhaps losing more than winning.

Sometimes, it'll hurt, sure, but you know, I finally learned that no matter how bad it is, someone, somewhere out there, might be experiencing something far worse than me. Yeah and I know you probably have heard of that before, but I never really thought much about it until last year. I take for granted most of the things in life, I still do, but I try to not do it as much because you know, I may lose it all tomorrow. Maybe in an hour's time, who knows?

So what I'm trying to say is if your're an angry kid like I was before, learn to accept things, life is easier to deal with when you learn that.

Hmm.. Okay...

On an completely different subject, I'd just like to say that I wrote this as a supposed birthday gift for a fellow blogger. I haven't got much time to write these few days (I'm always giving excuses. Sorry for this too) so sorry if it's crappy, but I just had to write something. It's the least I could do, you know. It's part of a blog carnival, here.

So, happy birthday Silver!

23 hours later...

2007-06-20T17:06:00.000+08:00

I'm finally here. My eyes are tired, my body is telling me get some sleep and yet one of the first few things I did upon reaching this place was this. Weird. Not like I'm addicted to it or anything. Well, I think I'm not.

We left at about 6pm, Malaysia time. Landed in Heathrow at about 7 maybe 8am (was to tired to care and change the time in watch/laptop/etc). So, basically we were on the plane for almost 20 hours but since the time here is 7 hours later than where I'm from, technically, I've only traveled for 7 hours less than that. Makes any sense? Yeah, I'm confused too.

Then from Heathrow, we got on a bus. About an hour ride from the airport. And no, I'm not staying in London but somewhere in the (*edit) ~~Midlands~~ South with my other sister and my brother-in-law. She's got a place here, so at least accommodation and food are free.

Also, summer isn't as warm/hot as I thought it'd be. Actually it's quite alright. The sun back home burns, here it shines (which doesn't actually make any sense since there's only one sun).

I think I really need to get some shut eyes now.